Petra's Notes

Here we go again...

2011-07-21T05:17:00.005+01:00

Life, life, life... what a thing.

Feels like this summer has been spent being ill, since I managed to get a bad infection when I got a new tattoo. Well, that's the punishment for getting tattooed in the heat of summer, when infections come too easily, I guess.

But I'm better now, both me and the tattoo survived, thankfully.

I have come to the conclusion that I take myself too seriously and I should stop telling people about all my big plans this way or that way, since I hardly ever stand on course long enough to follow through with things... What can I say, I'm very excited day one and then I happen to get a new idea and all of a sudden I I think of something else and poof! I'm heading in a new direction.

Confusing for some, everyday life for me.

Sorry everybody.

Why do books have to take up so much space? I've run out of storage for my precious books... I swear, the bookcase is filled beyond maximum capacity. What now? To stop buying books is not an option.

I have an order I made online and I dread when they arrive... Maybe I can put my new arrivals in the cupboard next to the pasta and rice?

A cute turtle I found at Skansen a few weeks ago.

Personal Dreams

2011-06-19T22:39:00.002+01:00

Shopping, one of my loved ways of passing time. Today has been filled of shopping, I was in Skärholmen in the afternoon and bought a sleepingbag, air matress, pump, bag, panties and socks. And earplugs. And cotton pads for make up removal. And 50% ownership in a tent.
And just a short while ago (like an hour ago) I bought some goodies online. A collection box filled with 3 CD's and one DVD by k.d. lang, a collection box with 4 movies starring Robert DiNero and a CD filled with hits from the 60's.

I have been thinking about shopping and the fact that I tend to spend my money on things which in the long run doesn't give me any positive feelings. I tend to buy boring things, instead of buying what I really want.
Some few days ago I took matters in my own hands and wrote down a list of things that I really want, small expenses which would make my life feel better.
I am a firm believer in making one's dreams come true. With a limited income, it's not possible to do huge, crazy things like building my own house, but I do have the possibility of changing the little details I'm not happy with.
So what did I do?
I looked at what I disliked at home; what I wanted to change without spending too much money. And my first goal was to; throw out all panties I never use and replace them with new ones that I really like, buy music and films which I really like instead of wishing I had.

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
I mean, why have lots of panties in the drawers which I never use anyways? They lay there and take up space and I would never wear them. It felt good to throw them away once and for all.
And I love music and movies and I do want to support the artists, not the free download sites online. So this month I have bought 8 CD's and the 4 movie collection I mentioned above.

Life is too short to deny myself to live it the way I want to, these little details in life is to some extent about thinking; I deserve it.
I believe the quality of life is in many ways up to ourselves to decide. We wake up every day and we decide what to do with it. In this world that means money is involved in many aspects of living out your dreams. But you don't have to be rich to see your personal dreams come true. Look for what you can do instead of what you can't.

Update

2011-06-13T01:33:00.002+01:00

Oh my... So much has happened since I last wrote here. I don't know where to start. I ended 2010 pretty drastically by peaking in my depression. Well, I tried to kill myself. That led to good care from professionals and I can say that I feel much better now. I make progress and try my best to live a better life. I get the help I need and I feel like the future is much brighter for me now than it's been in a long time.

This summer seemes to be based on great music; on June 22nd, I will see Foo Fighters live here in Stockholm, then I'll go to Peace & Love Festival June 28 - July 2; including Bob Dylan, Bad Religion and much much more fantastic music. I'll be working there as a volonteer, in the beer tents. Fun!

Looking bald to go blonde

2010-11-15T01:48:00.001+01:00

Now I can proudly say I’ve been free from cigarettes for a whole month! And what did I do to celebrate it? My sister came here for the weekend and she cut my hair really nice (thank you , sweetie!) and I’m in what seems to be a long process of returning to my natural state as a blonde. Having been coloring my hair black for years and years, there’s a whole lot of black to get out before you get to dark red, lighter red, dark orange, light orange and then finally super white. Right now I have all of those colors represented on my head. I love colors, but to have them all in a rainbow on my head is not something I want to keep, so me and my sister went looking for the strongest bleech we could find in the city today. Tomorrow I’m giving it a go and hopefully I’ll still have hair left on my head once I’m done, haha.

I’m so sick of having long black hair, as a natural blonde it’s a pain in the ass keeping up with the coloring of it. As soon as it comes out just a little, I look bald. This process of going blonde will be followed through right to the end, no more black! Or red/orange/white as the current situation is.

I just hope that the bleech does the trick. Yesterday we used color extraction treatment and it really didn’t do very much… Just look at how superdark it still is after the first 3 cm (1 inch). And the fact that my roots are so white I look kind of balding is just creepy…

Quitting smoking Part 3

2010-11-04T01:18:00.002+01:00

Got back to Stockholm yesterday and I find it harder to stay away from cigarettes here at home, where I am so used to the ugly habit. Last time I was here, I was a smoker. It is an identity that is not too easy to distance myself from. As I become ever more perfected at the skills of understanding the difference between physical and psycological withdrawl, I can now better understand what I must do to make this transition easier for me.

It’s been 17 days since I stopped smoking, more than half a month! Since October 18th, I have not smoked a single cigarette. Or used any other tobacco product for that matter.

I was afraid I would start smoking again once I got here and I’m so happy to tell you that it wasn’t hard at all to stay strong and far far away from those nasty cigarettes.

On the battlefield – quitting smoking Part 2

2010-10-30T01:27:00.001+01:00

This is my 12th day since I quit smoking. Not the first time I try to quit, but I got a good feeling about it. The first days were a bitch, which came as no surprise. There were moments when I couldn’t sit still, had zero concentration. Fortunatly that only lasted for short whiles during the first days. Now I feel fine, but still think about smoking several times a day. I guess I’ll do that for some time to come.

How long does it take until you know you’ll make it? I know 12 days isn’t the answer, but it would be nice to know how long you’re in battle and when you know the battle is won. Now my big fears are seeing someone lighting a cigarette in front of me & someone asking me if I want a cigarette.

I want to come to the stage when I can think of myself of someone who once used to smoke, instead of someone who is quitting. Then there are those who say any addiction is too easy to pick up again… Cheerfull bastards, huh? I once went without cigarettes for 3-4 months and started again for the simple reason of an ex (the boyfriend at the time) wondered if I wanted a pack of cigarettes as we were buying groceries… Damn sadist.

But I must say it’s not hard to quit if you stay clear of temptations. And we all know life is filled with temptations. Willpower and a mindset to never give in, that’s what I’m going to battle prepared with. Wish me luck!

A walk down a familiar road

2010-10-10T16:40:00.001+01:00

The much loved autumn is here, colorful and magnificent!

One of the two darling cats I’m babysitting in Gävle.

This month I’m living in my sister’s apartment, babysitting the two cats and a cute rabbit. It’s fun to adjust my habits to a city I moved away from many years ago. I basically only come here when I visit my sister. It’s interesting to revisit places I’v spent quite much time in the past. I see things with new eyes and it makes me appriciate where I come from and what this city did for me as I grew up. Gävle is a great city to grow up in, my problem is just that it wasn’t a great city for me to live in as an adult. I grew out of it.

Spending a month here alone, as an adult, makes me feel more confident that I made the wright decicion when I moved to Örebro some almost five years ago. But I nolonger feel resentment. I nolonger feel I grew up in the wrong place. Gävle was good, it still is. I feel one month alone here is just what I need to refill my brain with appriceation and memories.

The racist-closet has been opened…

2010-09-22T16:14:00.002+01:00

I am in chock about what I hear Swedes write about Sweden and what should be done differently over here these days. People say insane things like ‘we should not give money to foreign nations and areas of disaster, we should spend that money on Swedes instead’. Oh my God, does people even stop to think about what they say?

We’re so spoiled here in Sweden, we don’t stop to think about just how good our lives are. People complain about the politicians over here not caring about the needs of this nation. That’s pure bullshit; we’re so well off, we shouldn’t even compare our petty problems to nations and areas which really need our help.

Sure there are things we can improve, there’s always room for improvment in any country. But to make those improvments at the cost of our donations to other countries is nothing short of insane.

It feels like an incredible amount of people in Sweden just came out of the racist-closet. That’s scary. Racism freaks me out in a big way, it’s a very scary thing and for the first time in many many years, I fear for what might happen here. People seem to have lost their minds. Lost their empathy and their humanity as well.

Sweden has the opportunity to give financial support to other nations and that’s something to be proud of. We also have the opportunity to help people by giving them a new home here in Sweden and that too is something to be proud of and make sure it never changes.

My hope is that people start analyzing their thoughts in a critical way. It’s not ok to treat people like shit because they aren’t just like you. It’s not ok to think you’re better than someone else just because your family has been here in Sweden longer.

Racism is like cancer and you’d have to be pretty stupid to vote for cancer to rule politics…

When intelligence is thrown out the window…

2010-09-21T10:37:00.002+01:00

So… The racist party got over 5% of the votes in the Swedish election. As a party needs 4% to be in the riksdag, they are officially in. Luckily they are as unprepared as they are hidious in their views on imigration and hopefully they wont be able to get any of their suggestions through. No other party wants anything to do with them and alone they can’t do much. I’ve looked at interviews posted on YouTube with some of these people and honistly, one would think they would know what is in the party’s interests. Their official main topic is to preserve Swedish culture. (We all know that’s bullshit and they seriously just want to promote racist ideas.) But what these idiots say in the interviews is hilarious! They want to preserve Swedish culture, then go on saying the culture they want to preserve is Christmas. I didn’t know that was a Swedish phenomenon… I’d like to add: How would imigrants be a threat to Christmas? I’ve never ever heard someone say that Christmas should be thrown out the window.

What I have heard someone say, is that people of different religious views should be able to have their seasonal holidays accordingly. And in every angle of that statement, it is a positive thing. If everybody want the same few days off from work, it creates a problem. If people want different days off, it makes it easier on the companies, on the individuals (as they are more likely to get the vacation granted as they wish) and also gives people the freedom to celebrate according to their culture and/or religion.

They go on saying they want to preserve historical artifacts ‘forntidsminnen’. That means the old stones the Vikings rose, with messages carved in to them. Let me ask you this: When was the last time you saw someone do damage to one of these stones as an imigrational protest? You might see the random case of graffiti on them, but that’s nothing you can blame people for in a matter of throwing someone out of Sweden for doing it… if it was an imigrant. I bet it was a Swede.

It’s hard to take people seriously when they don’t give a fuck about what they’re doing. The people they use as politicians are ex-criminal, low intelligence guys who can’t tell their left foot from their right. These next 4 years of politics in Sweden will be interesting indeed. And I’m glad on the behalf of the comedians of Sweden too, they will have so much easy material!

I care

2010-09-18T14:12:00.002+01:00

Ok, it’s time for politics. It’s election time here in Sweden and I find it hard to see much good in any of what they are saying. It’s seven parties currently taking the main stage, so to say, and a few small ones trying to get in. I’m tired of it all long before it’s time to vote, since I barely agree with any of them. And the ones I feel slightly alike are far from each other, making me feel unease voting for any of them.

So I have to focus on what is most important not just for me, not just for Sweden, but what will be the best for as many as possible. That excludes all of the parties, unfortunatly. None of them are THAT good. I care for many things. And I don’t want my care and love to be thrown out the window as soon as I cast my vote.

I care about healthcare where you as an individual don’t have to fear financial collapse when being sick or in need of longterm care. I care about making it easy for smaller companies to make it on their own. I care about schools in all age-ranges to be given the financial support they need to provide good teachers, good material and good surroundings for the pupils to feel inspired to learn. I care about making public transportation better, more enviromently friendly and less expensive. I care about providing better care for our elderly, giving them more time with the people who aid them and giving them more options to how they want to spend their ‘golden years’. I care about there being more jobs. I care about making it easier to integrate to Sweden, especially when it comes to getting a job. I care about reducing toxins put out by industries. I care about protecting wildlife. I care about highspeed trains. I care about recycling. I care about lowering taxes for all individuals, especially in low-income families. I care about reducing the number of people in the military. I care about creating more jobs for young people and people with lower education.

I’m sure I forgot many many things that I care about, but the main fact is: There is no political party in Sweden that agrees with me on enough subjects for me to feel comfortable giving them my support. But I’ve made up my mind. I thought that I’d pick the one topic that is most important to me and just go with it. And for me the one thing that I care most for, the one issue that I can not overlook, that is more important then any other, is as simple as it is overlooked by most political parties: the enviroment. The planet, the rainforests, the wellbeing of this little planet of ours.

So I vote (mp), which is the only ‘green’ party in Sweden. They don’t agree with me on even close to alot, but at least they care for the fucking planet. We can fight over large and small topics all we want, but as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter much if we’re killing the planet we’re so obviously 100% dependant on.

I have stayed away from alot of the political talks in the media, but one person who’s thoughts I respect when it comes to Swedish politics and his opinions (although I don’t agree on everything he says) is Magnus Betnér. He’s a stand up comedian who somehow seems to have more politically thought out opinions than most politicians. Somehow he creates a debate few politicians dare to do, he talks about the uncomfortable topics and runs with them all the way to the end. I respect that and I love finaly seeing someone who speaks up, answers honistly and gives a shit. Even if I don’t always agree. He’d have my vote if he’d ever run for anything in politics. For sure.

Magnus Betnér

Photographer: Mats Bäcker

Shopping & Gävle

2010-09-17T05:34:00.001+01:00

Times are good, I must say. I get myself closer to where I want to be all the time and it feels so good. There are still much to work on, but that’s fine.

Today the plan is to do some light shopping. I have been strict about shopping for so long, I feel I need to do it again before I forget how to. But what to get? That’s the question :) And not wanting to spend a fortune makes it a challange. Perhaps I’ll go for a pair of pants and shoes. Perhaps not. Ah, what a silly problem to share… forgive me :)

Looking forward to October, when I’ll be spending the whole month in Gävle, babysitting my sister & girlfriend’s cats. And the rabbit, of course. I haven’t been spending any time on my own in Gävle for years and I look forward to long walks, playing with the cats, working and seeing people. Yeah, it’ll be a great month! The problem is just to know what to pack. I don’t really wanna go back and forth, so I will be doing some serious lists I think. Otherwise I’ll forget something important and end up being frustrated, haha. Good times ahead!

Rain

2010-09-16T02:35:00.001+01:00

It’s the middle of the night, I’m up as usual and it’s raining outside. Time moves slowly in the nights, making it easier to get lots done. The rain both sets a calm and romantic background sound, but at the same time it brings down the level of love of autumn… Not fun.

I’ve been very creative these last few days, making things on the computor, working on the books, taking lots of pictures and so on. Wonderful.

The great outdoors

2010-09-11T03:13:00.003+01:00

There are some places in the world I just HAVE to visit to feel I've lived my life as I please. I love taking walks (don't we all?) and some day it would be fun to get a little more out of it... Just look at the bench cut out right out of the mountain, perfect when you wanna stop and take some photos (or to stand on when the wood goes up in flames, or breaks...)
I'd love to walk there, no safety and nothing but a chain to hold on to... What a walk!

On the pics I see something that worries me... the path comes to an abrupt end! Ouch, hope one keeps an eye of where they're going.

An autumn leap

2010-09-05T14:55:00.003+01:00

Autumn is officially here :) Leafs are turning color, the air feels even more fresh and I'm writing a lot. It's great, whatever block I had is gone, the writing is once again smooth and painless. I wish I could say the same about my throat, but it seems I'm well on the way of getting sick. So far the only symptom I have is a swollen throat... It hurts to swallow and right now I'm just happy it's not worse.

In less than a month, I'm going to babysit my sister's two cats and a rabbit. Looking forward to it a great bunch! Spending my days playing with animals and writing on the book seems like a dream. And it'll be nice to get out of Stockholm for a while. I'll be there for about a month and it's just what I need. A break from what is, a leap into something different.

Writers block

2010-08-27T16:01:00.003+01:00

Even though I work like crazy I don't feel like I get anything done... It's frustrating to say the least. I wanna be done. Published.
But I'm not. I'm writing and writing... For what? Money? No. Fame? No. I write because I love to write. Because there's so many untold stories.
Today is a day I rather just forget.

Details of everyday life

2010-08-20T20:41:00.001+01:00

As a noted last night (if I'm not mistaken) I was bored and decided to take some photos. The four above is a sample of what was taken. Hope you like them.

Filling time

2010-08-19T21:58:00.005+01:00

I desperatly need inspiration over here... I am out of things to do. Done two sets of laundry, fixed the light in the hallway (it's working now, I'm so proud), folded bedsheets, resqued a frog, planned the baking for tomorrow, drank a lot of tea, drawn plenty, played on the computor, neatly organized all my important papers... So what now? It's eleven in the evening and I'm sure I have several hours left before I get tired.
I thought about the camera... But what am I to take photos of? Hm... I guess that's a good enough project for the late evening. Creep around here like a burgler... Great. I'll stay indoors.

Stuck in here - frog alert

2010-08-19T16:02:00.003+01:00

Trying my best not to involve my brain too much today. Work is not even an option... So I'm doing some laundry and playing around on the computor. Have to keep my mind occupied. The weather sucks, so I feel stuck in here, but it could be worse, much worse.
I was woken up by my sister at 10:20am and I felt the need to sit up and acually open my eyes before I answered. In other words - I didn't sleep much last night.

And I got my wardrobe organized and lit a scented candle. You might say I'm taking care of myself. I would say I'm keeping myself distracted. Keeping the brain and the heart as far apart as possible.
Think I'm gonna do some baking tomorrow. I don't have the energy for it today. Baking and further cleaning.

And what's up with all the frogs here? Today I rescued the third frog in 2-3 weeks... My entrance is one floor down, with stairs. So the frogs must think it's a cool place, but then can't get up on their own. So I am on frog-watch. A part in my plan to make this planet a better place, I guess. We all have to start somewhere. Saving frogs is important, like not killing spiders just because they happen to be indoors. I have a spider in the bathroom I named Bruno. It's curled up in the corner behind the toilet and I'm just hoping it wont find someone to make babies with... I'm not a big fan of spiders. But we'll get along fine as long as it's quiet in that corner.

The walk

2010-08-05T17:18:00.004+01:00

Today has been spent walking with Mikaela in Stockholm. A warm, lovely day. Many thoughts run around in my head, I get tired just thinking about everything that's happening. Soon I'll be moving to a new place. Don't know where/when yet, but hey, why make life simple when it's so easy to live in complex limbo...

So to keep myself from going crazy, I take it one day at a time. This year seems to be just as full of surprises as the last one was.

Hopefully I'll be pleasently surprised at the way everything turns out. But I'm not taking anything for granted. The road ahead is still not visible.

Pride Parade Stockholm 2010

2010-08-04T19:03:00.002+01:00

The Parade was on it's new route this summer,

longer than it has been before. I applaude all the people

who made it all the way in heals!

You'd think it's easy to know your way in a parade,
but some people simply follow the white line to be sure...

Hm... let me guess...

Babsan, a loved lady here in Sweden.

Summertime Rolls

2010-07-10T21:03:00.005+01:00

As July has not just begun, but almost reached the middle of the month, summer is reaching it's highpoint. It's hot out there, the sun baking the landscape and everyone brave enough to step outside. It's wonderful, the heat. Parts of the mind you forgot all about during the winter comes to life with a force that puts a permanent smile on your face.

Most of the time the only solution is to go in to the water... And that's the plan for Mikaela and me tomorrow. A lovely mangodrink and some cool water to soak in as the sun sets over Stockholm... what more could I possibly ask for?

Mikaela & I at Dao Beach, soaking some sun

after a dip in the water.

Rådhuset in Stockholm

Cute little Linn is almost

one year old... Time goes by so fast.

Summertime colours at their best.

On a wednesday

2010-07-07T10:45:00.005+01:00

So I got the piercing done yesterday, but not the one I had planned. I changed some time during the day and am now the happy owner of a newly pierced left nipple. Sweet indeed, as I am greatly loving it. I care for my bodyart like a mother cares for her baby. Or at least I'd like to think I take good care of it.
It was slightly surprising that it barely hurt... Last time I got a nipple done it hurt like hell! So smiles all around ;)

On a tuesday

2010-07-06T11:15:00.002+01:00

A musical day so far. Spotify on all morning, living in denail. I'm avoiding the sertain pain I'll have to give myself in a little bit. I coloured my hair last night, black, and sure as sunshine after rain, I have discoloured my little forehead. Bad thing, and I have tried two methods to remove the colour so far, but I still have a 'shadow' of darkness left to tackle. But luckily I don't fear pain, nothing to do but laugh at the fact that I choose redness instead haha. Anyone who have great, painless mathods how to get rid of haircolour that's stuck to the skin, feel free to comment. And don't tell me to do it with greater care, I'm the messy type and I like it that way.

Later in the afternoon I'll go get a piercing done, called orbital helix. Google it, I'm so happy I'm getting it. I'll have it in the right ear.
Usually I'm loving the idea of something, but don't get it done. I'm thinking I should change that and just start doing all the things I wanna have done. So much bare skin to tattoo, so many places to pierce.
I think the core issue for me is to do as I want, stop caring so much about what others might think. It's not their lives I'm living, it's mine. And why compromise my life?

Life is good

2010-06-05T19:41:00.002+01:00

Summer is arriving, with it comes all that's good in this world. Not that the good doesn't come in other months as well, it just feels so much better when accompanied by sun, smiles and nice feelings...
The tattoo has healed well, now I want more of them - what a surprise!
But I have one in particular I'm thinking of doing, just don't know where's the perfect place to put it. But I'll figure it out soon enough, no worries. Plenty of good places to choose from, that's the problem.

A day spent listening to music, writing and doing too little of everything else one should do. My mind is off somewhere being happy and leaves me here like a vegetable, haha. No complains, though.. It's the best kind of happy.

Buddha, you're mine forever!

2010-05-13T11:13:00.002+01:00

I have finally gone ahead and given myself a little gift in the shape of Buddha tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's beautiful, and a photo or two will be shared as soon as it heals a little bit more (almost done, a week since I got it). It had been ten years since I got my first tattoo and I must say it hurt like hell getting this one done.. but well worth it! 5 hours of pain followed by a lifetime of Buddha, to make the choice was easy ;)

Summer is on it's way over here, the sun is beginning to feel warm and I'm looking forward to an interesting summer filled with writing, romance and sunshine. I feel more positive than I have been in a long time and I have nothing to complain about, for a change.

This weekend I'm visiting my sister in Gävle, which I'm really looking forward to. I miss her, she brightens up a day like no one else.

Quit Smoking Part 1

2010-04-03T07:35:00.004+01:00

To quit smoking is a thing no smoker wants to go through. It's hell, and I'm going through it now. Not as bad as I pictured it to be, it's at it's worse when I've eaten.
Don't know how I'll deal with the habits, you don't realize how much you've shaped life around the addiction until you stop. It's been just one day so far and I feel a bit lost when I've eaten and I stand there "What to do now?" It must look a bit foolish, but it's nice to feel that I'm in control of this and that I have the power to choose, and I really don't want to smoke anymore.

It's not easy, but I know it's a good thing to quit. Even though my mood is a bit up and down, I think today will be easier than yesterday.
I spent 13 years building a nasty habit. Now it's time to replace those ugly cigarettes with something nice. For the moment, I just enjoy the strenth of caracter not to smoke.

Nature

2010-03-30T07:51:00.002+01:00

In the magic forrest behind my house, one can find much more than just trees and large stones. I found the cover to my book through the lens of my camera. Not this picture though, but another one.
I love walking in it, it's full of secrets and when you least expect it you stumble on a path that seems so out of place, so rustic, you think you've entered another realm.

Awaiting spring

2010-03-06T08:38:00.002+01:00

Johanna & Linn

Sandra

Johanna & I

A tattoo planned for, is as good as a tattoo almost done.

2010-02-27T17:38:00.006+01:00

At last weekend!
The plans changed at the very last minute and I'm spending the weekend in Stockholm. I'm letting the weekend float by in a daze, as my mind is wrapped up in daydreaming about what's to come in the future.

I contacted a tattooartist today to see if he can help me get some work done. It's a big one, so it'll be done in sessions. Hopefully it'll be getting started rather soon.
When it comes to modifications, I have so many ideas, so many things I want to get done... Good thing I'm not rich or I'd be covered with piercings and tattoos by now... and probobly hung by hooks all the time as well. Not that I'd mind at all, but I'm impulsive, so I wouldn't be surprised if I did stuff that I'd later regret.

Winter is melting away outside and the first rain in many months is falling from the skies today. But it'll most likely get below zero soon enough... Which I don't like at all.

I'm slacking off when it comes to photography and writing and I hate myself for letting it happen. My mind is polluted with meaningless shit and it needs to be taken care of. Focus!

Won two prices at work this week; chocolate and a ticket to the movietheatre. I gave the chocolate away since it was a kind I dislike more than all others: dark chocolate.
The movieticket I forgot at work and I wouldn't be surprised if someone 'by mistake' took it by the time I'm back... If it's still there when I come back at monday, I'll use it. Not that I ever go to the cinema, but a free cinema-visit... what's the harm?

Dreams, Henry Rollins & writing...

2010-02-04T18:25:00.003+01:00

Chocolate!

In our room at the Hotel Royal,

where Sandra and I stayed when in

Gothenburg to see Henry Rollins.

A flower from a bouqet my sister

got at her graduation party.

I love interesting books and
magazines. And I love photography.

My sister and I just came back from a over-night visit to Gothenburg on tuesday. The ride over there was anything but nice - the train we were to go with was still no where to be seen when we - more than two hours late, left Stockholm Central on a different train.

But we got there in time to get our stuff to the hotel, eat a nice dinner at a thai restaurant and then take a taxi to Lorensbergsteatern, where we were to see Henry Rollins do his Spoken Word.

I'm experiencing decision-making difficulty... I am lost as where to go next as far as my book goes. What if the damn thing doesn't sell? I'm kind of dependant on it selling... at least some copies.

It's my dream to be an auther and if that doesn't come through, then I don't know what to do. I have to patience to be stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I have no wish to settle with something less than what I feel I should have.

As long as I can survive on doing what I want to do, I'm a very happy person. If I can't, well then I'm just a bored fuck like everybody else. And with that said, more people should dare to follow their dreams.

Lollapalooza starts my tour of the US this summer!

2010-01-07T22:07:00.005+01:00

I should be in bed, but I'm not. Not even close. I should dicipline myself, but why bother? I don't have time to be correct, I have time to be me.

Everything is quite... blah right now.
My mind is way off, it's in Chicago to be precise, and I am not. And that's confusing. I wanna wake up and eat breakfast at House of Pancakes, but is that happening? Nooo, and I wanna stroll in Grant Park, walk by the Harbour and chill...
But I'm kind of stuck.
Or as stuck as I let myself be, but I feel it would be stupid to take off and be superpoor somewhere, as I would have no income if I left right now.

But I'll be gone in August (perhaps a little longer), traveling in the US and perhaps Canada and Mexico while I'm in the neighbourhood, so to say. I need to escape this hellhole, or I'll go insane pretty soon. I'll start and finish in Chicago and whatever happens in between will be great. Whatever it is that happens. Just me and the camera. Just me and my life. New people, new places, new food and new none-routines. That's what I need. A little thing without routine and with absolutly no schedual except to catch the flight home X amount of weeks later...

Or not exactly hellhole... but I'm bored and I'm starting to feel a bit stuck. Like I've gotten a routine in life's everyday-tour that I don't like. I want more, I want better and I want fun.

I'm turning 28 this month and I feel like birthdays mean nothing anymore - so I decided to have a birthday party for the first time in years. Not that I have organized my place yet, but that's another 'eh, who cares?'. I'll serve alcohol and snacks, I doubt people will thinking about the lack of... plants? paintings? rugs? I don't know, but I doubt people would care. It's a party and it'll be superfun!!

The good, the better and the suspension...

2010-01-02T00:35:00.002+01:00

Life goes on, a new year and new possibilities.
I am deep in books not yet written, full of ideas and have energy like never before (perhaps illness leaving the body) and I love it all.
Listening to Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark, didn't know I liked Bruce, but apperantly I do.

December was a fun month, the best month in a very long time (beats most of them, to be honest).

To wrap up 2009 once and for all, and I could go on forever, I must say it was the year when I put more value to my life and saw the many possibilities that lay right in front of me. I'm single, strong and inspired. Just the way I like it.

The near future holds plenty of adventure, hard work and fun work. Playtime is put aside as life is taking new turns, long hours working is combined with... long hours working ;)

And to comment on the photos of the suspension (you noticed the hooks, right?), it's the closest thing to spirituality I have ever come. It's so different and not at all like I thought... The pain of putting in hooks to your back is... nothing, really, to mention. Doesn't hurt. At least not in the upper back. The suspension itself is more mental than physical, as all the barriers I crossed were in my mind rather than in the body.
And to overcome mental barriers doesn't hurt!
But I wasn't prepared for the brutal massage Chai & Fredrik took the kind liberty to give me... That is PAIN, I tell you. You get air in under the skin as you hang (natural, as the hooks release the top layers of skin from the tissue below, making space for air to enter the body). This air needs to be taken out, a procedure the guys so nastily call a massage, allthough it's nothing like I've ever pictured having a massage by two men ;)
They press skin towards the holes from the hooks (by then taken out) and this is painfull and the air is... air. A bit tricky to get out.
So imagine two strong men trying to force air out from under your skin, with fresh hookmarks as the exit they're aming for.

But that doesn't stop me from planning my second suspension in a few months. The waiting is the hardest part, as someone once sang.

Photo of the Year

2009-12-29T22:48:00.001+01:00

I simply love this photo, taken by Chai Maibert

Suicide suspension @ CALM Body Modification

Chai gave me 4 large hooks in the back

and Fredrik helped me get off the ground.

The most amazing experience ever...

December in pictures

2009-12-29T22:40:00.001+01:00

I'm hooked

2009-12-20T14:35:00.004+01:00

Tired today, yesterday was very exciting, with the suspension and everything. :) It was not what I had prepared myself mentally for; the hooks didn't hurt to put in, but the suspension itself... It was a mental hurdle I found very hard. To force your mind to do something it knows it doesn't have to do is much harder than I could ever imagine.
But Im so happy I did it!
Chai & Fredrik at CALM Bodymodification here in Stockholm did an amazing job, I'll post photos soon.
It was a great experience and I am sure I will do it again.

And today is Johannas birthday: Happy birthday sweetie!

So close to Christmas, and I'm off from work for 9 days, which is such a luxary! I really need some time off. :)

ending 2009

2009-12-04T22:35:00.003+01:00

Last few weeks have been painful, with the extraction of a tooth and all...
But now i'm recovering and planning ahead. Can't believe it's just a few weeks left until christmas!

Think this year will end on a very positive note, I'll have fun and experience new things (photos may be published later on).

And i try to figure out what to do in 2010... It's a chance to try new things and see new places. A chance to be less stuck in an uncomfortable situation. It's about time i broke free of the chains, so to say.

Internal rage

2009-11-17T18:48:00.004+01:00

I'm trying to decide if this has been a great day of writing or a lazy day for doing nothing but writing... At least I've enjoyed it. And it went by far too fast. Not that its over, but its way less productivity out
of this day than I was aming for. I need structure and I need a little bit of ass-kicking when I don't do what I'm supposed to. Not that theres anyone around to kick it...

This new home of mine irritates me. Or to be exact; my attitude about getting things done here irritates me. I have lost my balance. I expect things to be fixed and sorted before I even build a base for it to be fixed on.
I'm shit. More or less.
This month was supposed to be an adventure, but it's turning out to be a long wait for things to start happening.

And I now know that I hate the walls here. They are cement (or whatever it is), and any thing to be put up needs to be drilled. Wich means that I have to ask Peder, it sucks.
Can't wait until I made this place more livable.

Prison with spiders...

2009-11-17T13:07:00.002+01:00

Im trapped in my home today, it's no joke.
There's a huge machine (a digging thing) that's neatly parked right across the only exitpoint... What to do? Not that I need to go anywhere, but it would be nice, in case of a fire or something. So I'm stuck here about to go bananas over the cage some worker so thoughtfully made my home...
What a day...
I guess I have to do with what I have and get going on the curtains I never manage to find time to make. Now I have no exuse at all I guess.

There are quite many spiders here, too many if you ask me. Any spider relocation center out there?

tour 2010

2009-11-13T14:23:00.001+01:00

Decided to make my summer vacation next year all about live gigs. Nice theme i think. A bit personal and far better than anything else i can think of!

Nine Inch Nails & IKEA

2009-11-12T21:25:00.002+01:00

These last few days have been a struggle.. things just keep fighting me all the way.
So I do what I always do, I find a good band and let the music swallow me whole. This time it was (to noones surprise) NIN that got the honor of being my anchor to sanity.
I spent too much time on YouTube and got myself a good laugh.

And this evening me and Peder won the great war against IKEA, which was takin place in my basement kingdom, and will forever be remembered as "the day mankind won over the LACK-shelves".
But as soon as we got them up, I realised I do not have all that much to put on them yet... So I'm gonna invest in some beautiful books, perhaps frame a photo (got one particular in mind) and just let the shelves grow more and more personal with time.

Stress

2009-11-07T10:28:00.002+01:00

It's taking way to long (not really, i'm just very impatient) to get my new home ready. I want it all right now! It feels like every day i want something to happen. And every day i feel like nothing gets done... is it gonna take forever? Am i too hard on myself?
I know it's just been 6 days since i moved in, but i didn't get done what i should have gotten done. I spent money on things that couldn't wait, that i hadn't calculated... shit, filling new space from scratch isn't a quick and definately not a cheap thing to do!

Life is moving in such a slow pace, some days is feels like it's standing still... today is such a day. I can hear people outside, getting things done and living their little lives. I envy their simplicity, days are predictable and in a comfortable rutine.

I need to do so much (on so many levels) that i end up just feeling like i'm doing nothing. Even though i am doing plenty!

the beginning

2009-11-06T20:41:00.002+01:00

Fall turns to winter and the first snow came a few days ago. Got time now to do the usual winter-reflection.
Not that i have that much new... just time to think without the usual cloudy mind.

not again...

2009-10-24T15:34:00.001+01:00

A mad rush, a cluttered mind at work to prepare the move next weekend. Not the easiest thing in the world!

Everything is made difficult and im pretty fed up with it all.

The journey

2009-10-17T20:29:00.000+01:00

Words don't come as easy as they used to.
Fragmented and disoriented, disturbed. I grow, but i dont keep up with myself. Some days i stop and think: so much has happened, but where am i in all of this?

Am i the same? Am i something new and to myself umfamiliar?

I have no idea, cause i really havent had a chance to stop and look deep. But i must be different. I feel like i've grown and have to fit this new me into the frame of who i see myself as.
Im not as connected to my life as i used to be. I float, see glimpses of myself, reflections in someone elses face, as they look at me diffrently now.

Its a journey and i feel like i know where im going and i cant wait to get there.

one day at the time

2009-10-09T07:49:00.001+01:00

There are things i dont know yet, questions left unsaid.
I roam the field of the obvious and grase the shadowland, but stay away from the dark waters edge.

This autumn has been strange to me, a stranger. My life is so changed, its confusing to see it as mine sometimes.
What i thought would be hard is in fact easy, and unfortunatly, what i thought would be easy turned out to be hard.

What i need to remember is that ill get through it. Day by day, this will be taken further and soon enough it will be done.

My love to all of you who help me, you are fantastic!

Sofas - can't live without them, can't decide which one to get...

2009-08-01T18:07:00.003+01:00

With changes in life, one has to adjust on a material level as well. So I'm browsing around for a nice sofa. Preferably one that turns into a bed. But the ones I find are either ugly or expensive. I try to convince myself, that all that is needs is a few pillows. But honestly, they were ugly and would have needed to be covered in a non-penetrateble layer of pillows and blankets. And if a sofa is that ugly, I rather go with the pricier ones!
But life is cruel and I'm not rich...
I've decided to get a sofa in August, so you'll hear more about this drama.

On monday I go back to work after a 2½ week vacation. 2½ weeks spent doing nothing at all. Well, that's not entirely true. I visited my sister on her birthday in Gävle and I've been out shopping quite a bit.
Remarkably, when I checked my bank today, I'm not poor! Yay!
Who would have believed that the way I've been throwing money around me :) I bought 3 pair of shoes, 2 pair of jeans, paintings for the kitchen and plenty of other things. I should be broke, but by magic I'm not! So I'll pretend that I planed this all along and that I haven't been panicking for 2 days about what a terrible person I am for spending so much on shit.

Now I just have to make the switch in my head to be a responsible adult again...

The future

2009-06-19T08:31:00.002+01:00

I need to figure things out. Seriously, I do.
I'm more confused than clear and I need some kind of fixed point, some kind of strategy.
Right now I live day by day and it's not good. It's a badly planned way of living and leads to confusion. I'm off three days from work and I plan to use these days to the max. Planning, organizing and making decisions. Cause I can't go on like this. It's fucked up.

An ocean of hours and minutes

2009-06-14T17:29:00.003+01:00

I'm back in Stockholm after a lovely weekend with Sandra & Martina. It's always so nice to meet them, but now they have just moved to a great apartment in Gävle, big, light and with the cats running around and being a bit crazy. I'll be visiting them alot, I imagine.
I'm a bit tired, but in a good mood. I had a fantastic time, as always, and felt that I needed to see them.
You know how you sometimes feel a strong need to see specific people, it was like that for me with them.
The three of us went to mom and dad's grave today. It felt nice, just hadn't been there in a few years (I'm bad , I know) and when we got there it had some uncut grass and stuff to take care of. Felt so good to tend to the grave, a feeling I wasn't expecting.

Now I'm back in the chaos and back to every day life...
Or almost at least.
I'm not really about every day life now, just going from one day to the next. Drifting along in an ocean of hours and minutes. No need to be fixed or driven now, I'm just going along in life. In a flow that's supposed to bring some answers and some goals.

I don't know... I'm not too philosophical right now, so everything comes out like shit.

Saturday night - turn on the summer heat

2009-05-30T13:33:00.003+01:00

A month has gone by in the new apartment.
It's bigger, better and more peaceful.

I did a lot of shopping this week. It's dangerous to have a day off from work two days after payday :)
I bought three dresses, one skirt, one pair of 3/4 lenth pants, two tops, a bag, two kitchen towels, a teapot, six drink-mixing spoons, earrings, a necklace, and more... In other words: I had o lot of fun!

Tonight I'm having a pre-party at home with some friends and then we'll go out in Södermalm for more partying and fun.
But before the fun can begin: I have laundry to do. :/

Valborg

2009-05-01T20:57:00.003+01:00

Spending the evening with good music, knowing tomorrow will be very hectic and crazy. We move to our new apartment, everything packed and ready. Almost.

Yesterday was Valborg, a holiday when you light a huge fire and just stand there and stare. Masses of people gathered as if they never seen fire before. Then when you get bored of the fire, you go to a bar and continue the celebrations with drinks and good company!
Saying that, you might draw the conclusion that I'm a bit hung over today, but you'd be wrong :)
The only part of me suffering from last night are my feet, since a chose last night as the perfect night to use my new shoes... Yes, people loved them and commented on them, but my feet sure suffered... Poor little feet!
So tomorrow will be insane and surely stressful, so to wrap up the weekend, I'll go to dinner and a movie with Johanna on Sunday.

In the news

2009-04-13T00:06:00.005+01:00

What could possibly make a 47 year old man want to marry an 8 year old girl?
There are some things that I will never understand and never accept as anything else than repulsive. Children should be kept out of the problems of adults, not be forced to settle some debt with their own life as the prize. It's disgusting that judge Sheikh Habib Al-Habib didn't annul the marriage, and even worse that the mother of the girl was not allowed to represent her in court.
I don't think it's a defense to talk about culture in these cases either. To say that, is to say that there is no individual choice and that everybody in Saudi Arabia feels like marrying little girls are ok. People don't think it's ok. Not in Saudi Arabia and not anywhere else either.
This is about changing the law to protect children, no matter where they happen to be living. A child's situation must be taken into concern every time there is a legal issue involving children. Anyone has to be able to defend a child, if that person has a reason to think that the well being of that child is questioned.

The captain is free, cheerios to that, but why is ransom ever paid?
Every time someone pays the ransom for a kidnapped person, especially in such an infected situation like the piracy along Somalian coastline, they give a boost to the pirates, that it is a sure way of getting money.
There are other methods to fighting for the freedom of a kidnapped person. Rewarding the kidnapper with cash is hardly a way to show that the method of earning a buck is wrong.
The methods I'm thinking of is more along the line of using military personnel to get some fear into the pirates. Free the hostage at a higher price, perhaps, but who would continue to kidnap people if all they got out of it were a crew with gunshot holes to the head?
If you wanna win, you have to be more of a bad ass than your enemy.
The reason I even mention violence as an option is not that I'm bloodthirsty, cause I'm anything but that. The reason is that I think the situation is very infected and I think negotiations are a lost cause at this point.
If the path of riches is continued, I think the situation will get worse, to the point of companies not daring to have their ships sent on that rout any longer. Is that really the result we want?

Travel around the world

2009-04-05T01:32:00.003+01:00

I feel a strong urge to just fill a backpack and
travel around the world.
I'd love to have a theme, like visiting places with funny names or
just go to cities that start with a particular letter.
But right now... I guess all I can do is fill up with inspiration for the
future. :)
I've invited my sister along for the trip, and it will be done. I guess such simple
details like life comes in to play a big role, so I guess
it will be a while before I can gather up a budget large enough to
take me around the world. But hey, I'll have time to find all the great places, so
not to get stuck in some turist-trap, drinking pink drinks and getting busy doing nothing.
What about Borneo? I'd love to go there!
Not to mention Machu Picchu in Peru, that's something I have to experience.
Well, the list goes on and on!

Turtle in the waters of Malaysia.

A Kenyan landscape.

Iguazu waterfall in Brazil.

Accompanied by Pearl Jam, U2 and The Doors... what could possibly go wrong?

2009-04-03T21:53:00.000+01:00

An evening captured by music and too many cigarettes, lovely and with a cup of tea to warm my spirit further, as the hours pass. Choosing music is always so much fun, as it to me is to show personality. Whatever song you pick, it says something about you.
A movie muted on the TV, someone trying to save mankind by taking a trip to Mars. I think it is Val Kilmer, if Rami got it right. I really don't know. It doesn't matter.
I'm in the best mood I've been for quite some time, and I must say the conversations I have had in the past few days with wonderful Rami and the best sister in the world Sandra is the cure for any blues I might have had.

Having a three day weekend now, this being the first of the three days, is just what I need. My mind, that usually is calm and a great place to be, has been a mess lately. Today I have done absolutely nothing and it's been fantastic!

Many answers, many solutions and plans for the future... Life is better that good, moving towards great and I'm enjoying the ride, accompanied by Pearl Jam, U2 and The Doors... what could possibly go wrong?

It smells like spring outside, finally!

Fact Update

2009-03-14T10:15:00.010+01:00

I feel it's time to update the facts I wrote here in the summer, as I love facts and guess I'm not the only one :) or at least I hope so.

Updated facts:

The top ten countries visiting (% of total number of visitors) Petra's Notes are:
62,05% Sweden
13,63% United States
6,29% United Kingdom
4,40% Jordan
1,89% Bulgaria
1,47% Canada
1,47% India
0,84% Finland
0,84% Ireland
0,84% Spain

8,2% visit longer than an hour.

31 countries represented among the visitors.

53% of all users use Firefox.

53,40% use Windows XP and 0,20% use Linux.

I must add that the facts are collected from the newest 500 visitors, not the total amount of people that's been here :)

The result from this summer can be found here.

Zipp me this and zipp me that...

2009-03-10T09:04:00.003+01:00

A new day, never seen before, takes form right in front of me. I'm still a bit tired, but I know it will be a good day.
I can't believe it's snowing outside, I really thought spring would be here with the little birds and so on. But I guess we'll have to wait some more.
My right hand hurts, or it hurts if I forget it's bruised. This weekend, I think I set a new personal record in how many times I can shave skin off it by accident. My knuckles are red and small pieces of skin is missing. Very pretty!

1½ hours left until I leave for work. I like these weeks, when I start work so late that I get plenty of me-time in the morning. The bad thing is that by the end of the day it barely feels like I have a life...
The zipper on my jacket broke yesterday. That's just my luck, off course it just HAD to start snowing last night. :(

Does borders feed fear and breed war?

2009-03-08T23:23:00.005+01:00

You see them everywhere, borders.
They come in all shapes and purposes, but have one thing in common no matter where you
find them - to define us and them, what's yours and what's not.

To devide the world with pencilsharp lines, is to limit the mind and the body. There are
no such lines, they don't exist. We can build all the walls we may desire, there will be
no line between us. Nothing but air to unifi us in all time, for as long as we will exist.

Dividing power while sitting around a table, these politicians have through history
defined the world in their weird minds and forced the population to accept the side they
happen to live on. Families separated for years, sometimes generations. As it is not a natural
state of the human mind, there has taken much violence to keep these borders real on the planet.
Much blood, too.

Curiosity has turned in to suspicion, as friends turned in to enemies.

But what are borders? What good do they do? Do they make you feel safer? Does the us-and-them
mentality work on you? Do you buy their speeches about enemies and safety?
Or does borders feed fear and breed war?
In modern time, no country is isolated, no market of trade just local.
We interact in many ways and I dare to say that everybody (except the really recluse
loners and tribes) knows people from almost every continent. Most people understand more
than one language.
It is natural to explore and travel. To see new places is a right we take for granted. We feed
our soul and our mental healthiness with new impressions and views of life. We understand
culture and climate, we take part in global ideas and thrive here on the Internet, where
we really don't have a passport to define us. Your nationality fades in to a formal detail,
your mother-tongue becomes irrelevant. We are all the same, even more so than in reality.
We are showered with photos from all corners of the globe and one thing I never see are borders.
As the people are internationalized, why not the political way of acting too?

What ever good borders might once have brought, I don't see a real use for them anymore. They
bring grief and violence, which we have enough of anyway. There is no us-and-them. It doesn't exist!
Borders split ideas and divide greatness in to confusion.
We can try and justify borders by sitting on our lazy butts and say how much we do together these
days, but that's really just because we were born blindfolded. Nations are a joke, there's nothing
natural about it.
But if we keep evolving our tribes on Earth as we have been so far, I have every reason to be
positive. We formed small tribes and then villages, that became groups of villages as pacts of
trade and peace came about. Roads shaped the look of the lands and soon we had metropolitan
cities. Power-hungry rulers wanted more, and war became a frequent fact of politics. Show me
yours and I'll show you mine. Soon they all lost too many men in their armies and they had to
figure a way to live side by side. Voila! The pencil sharp lines where born.
But as we grow both in experience and in dreams, we have steadily become more interactive,
more understanding and more of our natural curiosity comes to the surface. So if we keep
evolving, we will soon be too great to be kept inside politicians borders.

Update on the things in between

2009-03-08T13:07:00.003+01:00

As the tight grip of winter is disolving, I can feel it in my body as well. And in everybody's spirit. People seem to fill up with hope and romance, talk of the future and what is to come. It feels like my brain is over-active and I love it. Dreams seem more real than ever and I have a hard time keeping myself grounded as I smile at the thought of my future.
It is chaotic now, and I'm fine with it. Life, stress, work and too little time to just be. But it's ok, cause life is brightening up and soon all of us will trade in our gloomy winter-outfit for a fresh, colorful spring-outfit suited for days in the city.

More and more, I am wrapping my spirit in smiles and I can't feel the stress of life. It's there, but not in my head the way it used to be. I'm not the light-hearted kind of person (well... Rami might say I am, but really I'm not), but I can't help but to let my light and easy-going side come out and completely engulf me in 'so what' and 'doesn't matter'.
Life is not so rigid in the sun, I guess.

Rami is cooking and he's like a sientist, measuring, stiring and making noise. I love it.

Photography - Frustration, love, hate or something in between?

2009-03-05T23:44:00.005+01:00

I can't say I have had time to do all that I would love to do,
but I have had time for photography.
I love angles and capturing objects from a view few put focus on. May it be a classic object
left in the bushes, like the discarded rose. Or a roof so low I can get a rare glimpse of the tiles.
Finding a small park deserted in the middle of the day, making the city appear empty.
Or a snowy evening with the church surrounded by a comforting light.

I have questioned myself why I don't take more photos of people, and I think the final
answer is that people just don't challenge me. It is more difficult to take a somewhat unique photo of an object
that has had the same pose all through its existence, than of a person who can change pose
every ten frames.

Fleeing moments, forgotten details in a city that rushes from one day to the other without much thought
as to what is happening close by.
How many walked by the rose placed on the bushes?
Was it thrown there or carefully placed? What is it a sign of? Frustration, love, hate or
something in between?
I don't know, and I guess I'll never know. And that's the charm of it. Objects brought to life
by the imagination of its audience.

Karlstad

2009-02-10T09:44:00.002+01:00

I went to visit Martina and Sandra in Karlstad this weekend.
We had so much fun, played games, sang, had a very original photo-shoot, which
you will not be seeing here :)

Sandra and I went for a walk in the beautiful winter landscape.
It hasn't really been anything like this in Stockholm and
it was nice to hear the crunch of snow under our feet.

The stillness of winter, everything looks so calm and
everybody dresses up in thick jackets and hats, to feel
warm when the snow starts to fall.

This is Sahara, if I'm not mistaking, and it's one of the two cute cats
Sandra and Martina has gotten. The other cat is called Strumpan.
They are the cuddliest and sweetest little things ever!

Natural Shape

2009-01-25T19:17:00.005+01:00

I wanted to capture both the depression of nature in winter and

the solid state of Stockholm. Södermalm, the island where I took
all photos published today, with a population of 90.000 people,
is mostly built on rock. It shows in both how buildings have had to adjust
to the natural shape of the landscape,
and in the way rock is used in many ways when it comes to decoration,
sculptures and many other uses. It's a peaceful and mighty material and it's strength seeps
through giving me a feeling of being protected as I walk
alongside these massive gray building-blocks of Södermalm.

more...

2009-01-25T19:09:00.001+01:00

more...

2009-01-25T19:04:00.001+01:00

more...

2009-01-25T18:55:00.002+01:00

Field of Frustration

2009-01-24T22:28:00.002+01:00

Winter is moving on ever so slowly, and I must say I'm quite bored of this none-winter we had here in Stockholm. There were never any snow to mention, no romantic touch to the cold... This winter lacked so much, which just led me to a numb state of mind.
Well, now it's the end of January and 2009 seems to be shaping up to be a good year. Better than 2008, at least. I have high hopes :)

I have a million ideas, all fighting to come out first. I'm in a constant struggle to produce anything at all... Right now I give myself a break, but end up surrendering to my inner desire to have something to show for all this time I've been active. I'm a silent whisper in the field of frustration. Where is that big studio I need so badly? Where is the inspiration to a fantastic novel? I don't know... I just don't know. My ideas need to be sorted out. Filed and organized. I got so much to do. No time to waist, right?

The diplomatic route

2009-01-04T18:01:00.002+01:00

Christmas has come and gone. It is a new year, with new challenges and new things to dream about. And new things to invest in, such as in a camera, which I bought today here in Stockholm. Promise to post photos very soon :)
The new year began with a lovely party at Mia, where we watched the fireworks after having a wonderful dinner. It was a great way to start the new year and I have good feelings that 2009 will be a very good year, in deed.

It is colder than usual here in Stockholm this winter. Maybe global warming is to blame, but for the moment I'll take the diplomatic route and blame it on the temperamental Swedish weather. Less snow than it tends to be, I fear the worst is still ahead. By now, the streets usually are lined with dirty, mushy wet snow and a calm silence rests over the city (any city, for that matter). But with the absence of snow, the sounds are the same as always, it's dark and it's bitterly cold.

Now it's time to end this week on as high a note as possible - so I'm off to do some laundry!

Opeth, Christmas party & work

2008-12-07T02:30:00.003+01:00

As December somehow is all about the countdown to Christmas, I feel a bit blue about working all Holidays... Even on New Years Eve. I know it will be nice and quite a good mood at work, but I really want to spend time with Rami and have a nice Holiday with him. Now it feels like I will miss most of the Christmas-joy, as both Rami and I work this Holiday season.
On the 18th, Rami and I will see Opeth live here in Stockholm. That will be so much fun! I promise you will see photos from the gig, either here or on Rami's blog.

This weekend was so needed! I haven't been able to sleep very well this week and it resulted in me being tired during the days (which never is fun). Rami and I have been going to restaurants (Indian on Friday and Italian today). Tomorrow, Sunday, we will do some shopping and next Friday is the big Christmas party with work. Colleagues from all over Sweden will join here in Stockholm for a big party! I bet it will be lots of fun! We are about 1200 ppl, so it's just too bad I work on Saturday... Oh, well, it could be worse. That is to worry about when I wake up on Saturday morning :)

The cruise, Christmas & the dirty-work

2008-11-15T16:32:00.002+01:00

Went on a cruise Thursday-Friday with work. Very much fun and a chance to get to know people a little bit better. It was a conference trip, but it felt like we did more dining and partying! :) Not really a surprise to anyone, I guess.

Christmas is coming closer every day and I don't know what to do about it. I'll be working the whole holiday, so I can't really do much, but I don't want to wake up on January 2 and feel like I missed the whole thing... It's tricky. I'll have to make a good plan.
Good thing we're not all that traditional in this household.

This weekend will be all about taking care of all those things that never get a very high priority other days. It's time to to do the dirty-work, what is put off for so many reasons (mostly lack of time). I'm gonna organize my closet, go through all old photos, and other similarly boring activities. Got to be done.
Christmas is around the corner and I sure don't wanna be stuck with these things then!

Update

2008-11-05T21:46:00.004+01:00

New job, new rutines and things to learn. I love it. Great people, nice office and good hours. No complaints.
In December I will be working ALL Christmas and New Years. Good as far as money goes, bad as far spending time with Rami... But he will work as well, so I guess we'll compensate on our birthdays. But that feels like a looong time from today.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive, well and got plenty of things going right now.

Sweden outdoors

2008-09-30T00:53:00.004+01:00

There's nothing more interesting than the details of life.

The cemetery of Katarina church, Stockholm.

A field, horses and a sky filled with clouds.
Somewhere between Stockholm and Karlstad.

Some are just late bloomers.

Kitchen inspiration

2008-09-28T21:12:00.007+01:00

Looking around for this, that and nothing, I stumbled across this lovely kitchen. I love dark kitchens.
Imagine a quiet Sunday morning, me baking lots of stuff :)

Fall fashion - a little wishlist

2008-09-28T15:20:00.004+01:00

Sometimes it's so nice with a bit of eyecandy!
I must say I love Stylefeeder.
I can always find everything I dream of, and put it on my personal list to go back to the little gems whenever I desire :)

Firemen unlock my frontdoor and leave - while I sleep

2008-09-27T10:06:00.005+01:00

How was your morning? Good?
I wish I could say the same.
I woke up when I heard a man call out 'hello?' INSIDE the apartment. Then he closed the door. I didn't know if he was still in here or not, and listened for sounds, but instead I heard a firealarm. Yes, that must have been a fireman, I thought.
I get out of bed, look out the window and see all the neighbors gathered about 100 meters away. Now the panic start. I open the door to find nothing but the smell of a fire. I panic. Yeah, not the beautiful movie-panic, but the real thing. As if I'll die if I'm not out really fast.
I get the laptop, my VISA-card and not much more (I hope this doesn't reflect my personality too much).
Most of my panic comes from being left behind in a building that's burning down. They think nobody's left inside. They didn't see me.

So I pack up really fast, get dressed, and then run downstairs (can't take the elevator when there's a fire). I come outside in a hurry, to find a group of policemen and firemen, surprised to see someone still inside. So I come out with my handbag and the computer-bag. They seem too relaxed (since I must have been close to burning up, or something).
I walk up to them, and ask what's going on.
A policeman smiles at me, says someone burned the breakfast.
I must have looked surprised.
He goes on to tell me that everything is taken care of, and I can go wherever I need to be. I tell him that I was sleeping, not on my way at all, just that I thought I was gonna go up in flames if I didn't get out.
My heart was beating, I had hurried down not to die, I was puzzled and confused.
And they treated me like I was overreacting.

I am confused. I thought firemen actually SEARCHED for people when they go from apartment to apartment. Do they expect people to stand by the door, ready to be saved?
Guess it's like life in general: You gotta save yourself - nobody else will.
Not even firemen.

I am very upset.
This is not acceptable.
Firemen who take the privilege to open your front door with a key and then call 'hello', should have a responsibility to look in the BED to see if someone is there. They didn't even wait for me to answer. The only thing they accomplished was to make me think that I was left behind to die. Honestly, I have never had that much fear for my life (without a physical person putting the fear in me). And the police and firemen were so nonchalant. How the hell was I supposed to know someone burned their breakfast?? To me, the house was going down. I didn't think firemen had the right to unlock your door (and leave - thinking nobody is in there - the door still unlocked) for the sake of someones burned eggs or something.
When I commented on that, the police just said I could go back up to my apartment.

So, woke up thinking I was gonna be trapped by flames, turned out it was just a fireman who came to say hello. The fire alarm, the evacuation of everybody else but me... Now I know what will happen if there really is a big fire - they will leave one to die.
To add to this, I have to tell you that my apartment is 19 square meters. Very easy to search.

So sleep with one eye open, don't expect firemen to rescue you if you are sleeping. At least not if you live close to Katarina Firehouse in Stockholm.

Greatest Hits - already?(What is the musical legacy of the music-scene of today?)

2008-09-26T15:01:00.007+01:00

Time rushes by terribly fast, doesn't it?
On TV I see my favorite music videos go by the name 'Greatest Hits'. What happened? Has it really been that many years, or is someone playing a trick on me? How old am I? 47? Not quite there yet, but they make me feel like a relic by calling the good old nineties 'Greatest Hits' - as if it's been 30 years.

And judging by the way I don't think much of the music of today, I guess I am older. No longer 16, no longer that easily impressed by songs about what everybody else sings about too.
Some songs are still loved by me (and others?), but some songs surprise me, that I ever liked. But I dodged a few bullets :) Like boy bands, girl bands, hip hop and so on.
But looking at these oldies from the nineties, I must say they were better. Bigger variety, larger number of music styles got good air-time. You didn't have to be thin and beautiful. Follow a style so tightly or be politically correct all the time. More one hit wonders, less factory made ready packages of 'this will work'-bands. Off course there were lot of shit, just like now, but at least it was THEIR shit, something the bands could stand behind. These days it seems to be too much influence from the record labels. That's just wrong! Sell outs, sure, but if you want to be on a major label, you have too. If you want to be able to make music for a living - and live well - you have too. There is no eye for artistical freedom or appreciation for the effort behind musical career. If artists hit the peak of their career at 23, what is left to work toward?
Teenagers know not what they will miss.
What is the musical legacy of the scene of today? Bling bling and booty? It's all about marketing everything but the music (since it sucks).
Middle class kids who've been served opinions all their life - they need true rebellion. True thoughts. Artists are great mind-openers. They give us new angles to issues of the day, give us a chance to stop and reflect.
There used to be many layers in music. I miss that. Give me layers, and I give you hope.

Preparations

2008-09-25T09:41:00.003+01:00

I have a jobinterview today, this afternoon to be exact.
I hope it goes well, cause I would love that job. Will tell you more in a later post.

The sun is out, not a single cloud in the sky - bet it's cold as hell!

I sit here with a cup of tea, my thoughts and plan for the day ahead of me. Not much planned so far, but the job interview kind of makes it hard to plan anything at all, cause I don't know how long it will take. And I'm still a bit tired, to be honest.

To go to a café for a job interview feels a bit strange. A café is a place I feel very comfortable, very at ease. A job interview is not. Dangerous combination.

Craft-shop with things I designed

2008-09-24T23:25:00.004+01:00

I feel like designing things. Clothes, furniture, art, buildings, tools and books. I have so much, that I just need to get out of me. But the problem is, off course, money. Isn't it always?
I would love to have a small shop where I could sell my things. Have a little craft-shop in the back where I could be creative and get an outlet for all ideas I have. I need to dust off some ideas and make room for more. But to have a small store would be something to work towards. *mind off in a thought-bubble*

Will see what to do about this.
Expect sensational updates.

Cold nights

2008-09-23T01:28:00.003+01:00

Autumn is my personal favorite of the seasons, but unfortunately it comes with cold winds and a promise of snow before long. But I can bare it. The beauty of autumn is all I need, to accept that we have not yet seen the worst this year have to bring (even thou February is the officially coldest month of the year, so I guess I have seen the worst).
On Thursday I will be on a job interview. My second in a week. Very different workplaces. Guess I'll have more to tell in a few days.

My sister just told me the cutest of news the other day: she and Martina are getting a kitten! Will promise to make a model out of that sweet little thing and post pics in the future.

Waiting for the explosion!

2008-08-19T13:51:00.004+01:00

Autumn, my personal favorite among seasons, is here!
I'm still waiting for the explosion of colors, as the leaves chance in to a more mature palette, but I love the calm and more relaxed season. It brings on time for reflection, a chance to sit at home and watch movies, drink tea and chat about everything. I am looking forward to the release of all the winter catalogs, filled with inspiration for the wardrobe.

I feel restless, not knowing what is in store for me. The near future is turning out to be filled with questions that seeks answers. Right now I just enjoy the days and hours that slowly pass me by, stroking my senses and my inquisitive mind.

Stockholm's Day

2008-08-08T22:28:00.003+01:00

The date 080808 is Stockholm's Day, as far as the locals are concerned. It's an evening filled with friendly 'water-war', party, fireworks and dancing the night away. This is because 08 is the area code for Stockholm (national phone code's local number). So everybody's going a bit crazy this Friday, or should I say crazier?
Children born today get a lifetime's free pass to Gröna Lund, the amusement park in the city. People who's birthday is today get to enter for free this lovely day.
7.000 people signed up for a friendly water-war between the north side and the south side of the city. I belong to the south side, so I hope we won! :) The water-war was supposed to take place in Gamla Stan (The Old City), a small central island, but it turned out to be too small! They moved the water-war to the much bigger part of the city called Östermalm. That's where my workplace is, but it was calm when I left, lucky me.

Time to feel good!

2008-07-19T14:03:00.003+01:00

A weekend I have longed for. Rest, comfort and being busy doing the things you never have time for in the middle of everything else. A luxury to treasure, these weekends. I have no plans, just plenty of time to feel good and take care of the little details that bring smiles to my face.
In a little more than a week, my sister and Martina is coming over here to stay with us! Sandra and Martina is coming to Stockholm and I am so happy about it! I haven't seen them since January, so it's about time! :) There's Stockholm Pride to see and partake in. There are long walks on Södermalm, showing them our favorite places and fantastic viewpoints on this island. Tea to be tasted, buns to be devoured and conversations to be had.

Electricity down, Hello Kitty says 'hi' & a boatride in Stockholm

2008-07-13T08:41:00.005+01:00

I was visiting Gröna Lund, the amusement park here in Stockholm with a group of
people from work.
The rollercoaster was stuck, as the electricity failed. People were
trapped up there for hours!

Södermalm, the island Rami and I live on,
seen from the boat when I left Gröna Lund. We live right by the
church seen in the middle of the photo.

Hello Kitty is seen everywhere!
Here featured on a bike, what a cute greeting!

Rami and I on one of our recent walks in the city.

house to build - pampering to be done

2008-06-28T10:12:00.003+01:00

I have been running around on the Internet all morning, and I came across this site, where you can buy houses ready to build. You get the boxes delivered, and you put the house together yourself. It's in Swedish, and there are not all that many alternatives for being creative. But it's a start. For $184 170 you would get the house I directed you to above.
This started a reaction in me, now I'm sitting here with pen and paper, drawing my own little houses. :)

I'm home alone this weekend and I feel like doing something special for myself. I'll be dyeing my hair, cooking nice meals and so on, but I feel I should do something more - something to remember.
I guess I have to figure something out.

June 25 - Reflections

2008-06-25T20:59:00.006+01:00

It feels like I have less and less time to write with a cup of tea by my side these days... There must be a change. There will be a change.
I love writing, it's not just a form of expression, it is just as much meditation. I get a chance to reflect on what's going on and I have a chance to review my inner monologue. We all need that from time to time.

The firestation across the street, Katarina Firestation, is getting a refreshing facelift in
its backgard. That doesn't mean that the men working as firefighters get a minute to rest
from their job. The picture shows them hurrying to aid when a fire-alarm came less than
an hour ago. Out of consideration of being placed in the middle of a residential street, they
never put their sirens on until they get well on their way.
This street is full of life, all hours of the day (and night), making it feel both fun and as you
are a part of a greater picture than just your own life. I feel connected.
For the past few days I have been walking to work, and in the process I have gotten a clearer picture of this city. Locations become logical, my inner map is getting packed with new information and now I even know where the royal castle is!

Facts

2008-06-14T22:29:00.004+01:00

There are many things you don't know about this blog, just by visiting. The hidden facts, something I see as fun and something you might enjoy as well.

The top ten countries visiting (% of total number of visitors) Petra's Notes are:
26.99% Sweden
19.54% United States
6.68% Israel
6.43% United Kingdom
3.60% Germany
2.57% Mauritius
2.57% Finland
2.57% Australia
2.31% Netherlands
1.80% Norway

9,3% visit longer than an hour.

41,6% of all users use Firefox.

41 countries are represented among the visitors.

65,6% of all visitors use Windows XP, while only 0,6% use Linux.

Most Swedes who visit my blog live in Växjö. Most US visitors live in Chico, California. Most Germans live in Hameln and most Israeli people live in Tel Aviv.

So, how did you all find this blog?
I looked up what search-words you have used, and it amused me!
Eddie Vedder came in first place, not surprising me at all. 'Estockholmo' in a respectable second place. Other words you searched on and found me are: i'm 60 years old , where am i going?, 29 june petra day in sweden, blue sky petra, this isn't me i'm not mechanical, and not to forget: ray mear :)

I hope I'm not the only one out there who love facts!

Too bad I've sorted away much of the old stuff, but I promise to fill this blog with new, fun posts :)

And I can tell you I now know of places I never heard of before. Cities I didn't know existed, to tell you the truth. It's fun to know something about you all, as you might understand. It's exciting to see the width of exposure, the people one can reach through such a simple thing as a blog.

Summer rain

2008-06-14T19:41:00.002+01:00

Heavy rain pounds on the roofs and the streets. Grass fragile and brittle from weeks in the hot sun. Unforgiving rays, bringing the people out to enjoy the great beginning of this summer, but the grass under their feet is not soft and long, no not at all, it is short from breaking under the weight of people, breaking out of dehydration, dying in the dry days.
The streets look darker, dirt washed away and the birds seem to sing clearer, as if they found a small pond of water to sip from and clear their throats in.
Trees are out of bloom already, dead capsules of hope all over the streets, wishing of the next generation. But heavy rain, come crashing down, sweeping the hope away, down the drain...

Clouds separate in a silent divorce, giving us back the blue sky piece by piece.
I can hear voices, I can hear cars. I can hear music and I can hear the ocean.
The sounds of Stockholm after a hard summer rain.

waking up

2008-06-04T06:18:00.002+01:00

fragmented pieces of thoughts
whirl around
in the morning hours
like unsettled grains of dust
in a summer breeze

a cup of tea
a cup of love
a cup to wake me up
a cup I long for

good morning world
what is new today?
work work work
or is there something else at bay?

Nailed down

2008-05-17T12:58:00.003+01:00

A mind
bent out of shape
disfigured and rotten
in the corners of existence

Loops of fear
before the thoughts connect
bringing sanity
within mental reach

Nailed down
to the skull
drilled in deep
to prevent implosion

A mind
heavy with the burden
of complete enlightenment
A closed circle - broken only by the outer world

Uniqe world in all of us

2008-05-10T19:01:00.002+01:00

The best movies are books.
I came to that conclusion yesterday.

Hail to Earth

2008-05-07T20:38:00.003+01:00

Deep blue sky
fills the universe
as far as we can see
black that is so blue

Stained world
dirty with
fingerprints of
destruction

Roads as lines
on the aging beauty
wrinkles
on a dying bride

captured by the wind

2007-10-15T21:50:00.000+01:00

captured by the wind
in a moment of weakness
my thoughts flood the world
for a second
as space takes a new shape
when we close our eyes
connected by heart
by soul
by love
and by words

we are closer than the
ink to the paper
but further apart then stars and the moons
above
we can kiss all night
but reality will
separate even lovers
as morning comes

blown in different directions
we always come back
to be as close as only we can be
like the leaves blown off the trees
circling the sky
landing softly
in each others arms

Little Hour

2007-08-01T00:56:00.001+01:00

little hour
go to sleep
be sure your dreams
to keep

in the dark
you can rest
I'll let the ticking
go on in my chest

be true
be wise
let your sleep
be nice

I do not sleep

2007-06-24T21:06:00.000+01:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Found this beautiful poem, thought you might want to read it.
Don't know who wrote it, but it speaks to me...

Rain

2007-06-15T19:23:00.001+01:00

I love watching the rain rush
towards the ground
the air gets a fresh
smell
and nature brings the dirt
back to the soil

Nailed to the bottom of the wells that are your eyes

2007-04-16T17:52:00.000+01:00

Ink
Black and massive
Stained my soul

Memories of what never
Took place

Smiles that never reached
The lips

The stains of black ink
Found its way
Everywhere
And made life dark

If there's no beginning
Can there be an end?

By the waters edge

2007-04-16T14:45:00.000+01:00

Rays on the floor
The door is left open
The suns warmth
Hiding beneath the slight breeze
As the rays
Dance across the floor
For what seems like forever

I wish I was dust in the air
So light never touching the floor
So forever and more

I can hear the wind
In the leafless trees
The sun kisses the grass once again
I wish I was there
By the waters edge
Looking into the deep
Cold masses
Maybe wet my feet
Maybe see myself
The reflections
Of a woman

There is a fire
Somewhere far away
The flames burn me
Just to make a point

There is no language
Everybody understands
But pain

I wish I was there
Body of water
Ontop of me
Pressed against the sand
Nothing is more real
Than when you start
Counting the
Seconds remaining

Changing season

2007-03-16T19:01:00.000+01:00

Pink pink
Blue skies
Clouds and birds
Rain

Walk
Fishing for light
In the deep
Green under feet

In Depth Look

2007-03-01T07:07:00.000+01:00

I can give you what is easy
What is without substance

I can show you how
To survive

A day by day trick
So we all can live
One more day
In a numb comatose world

I can give you what is easy
What is empty and shallow

Can you fill it
This empty shell
Can you become more
With depth and truth
Inside out
Create yourself
To be true
To you

In The River

2007-01-31T13:27:00.000+01:00

River of emotions
Flowing through my head

A smile on my face
Over and over again
Like an old record
Repeats itself every time
I think of you

Basement Of Your Mind

2007-01-30T08:48:00.000+01:00

Torn to pieces
Forgotten in the
Basement of
Your mind
Never to be
Looked on again

Empty
Drained
Lost in silence

Don't open my eyes
My vision is out of focus
And makes me see the worst
In everything

Little By Little

2007-01-20T14:28:00.000+01:00

Locked in a second
Right beside truth
Is life

Little by little
You can see
That this is
Nothing but
You

The Walk

2007-01-20T14:10:00.000+01:00

Patterns in the snow
Leads me home

Movments in the
Corner of the eye
Calling for
Attention

The birds are asleep
On the roof

Keeping us safe
In our dazed
Existance

The land lays frozen
Silently waiting
For the change
To come