Quit Smoking Part 1

To quit smoking is a thing no smoker wants to go through. It's hell, and I'm going through it now. Not as bad as I pictured it to be, it's at it's worse when I've eaten.
Don't know how I'll deal with the habits, you don't realize how much you've shaped life around the addiction until you stop. It's been just one day so far and I feel a bit lost when I've eaten and I stand there "What to do now?" It must look a bit foolish, but it's nice to feel that I'm in control of this and that I have the power to choose, and I really don't want to smoke anymore.

It's not easy, but I know it's a good thing to quit. Even though my mood is a bit up and down, I think today will be easier than yesterday.
I spent 13 years building a nasty habit. Now it's time to replace those ugly cigarettes with something nice. For the moment, I just enjoy the strenth of caracter not to smoke.

Nature

In the magic forrest behind my house, one can find much more than just trees and large stones. I found the cover to my book through the lens of my camera. Not this picture though, but another one.
I love walking in it, it's full of secrets and when you least expect it you stumble on a path that seems so out of place, so rustic, you think you've entered another realm.

Awaiting spring

Me

Johanna & Linn

Sandra

Johanna & I

A tattoo planned for, is as good as a tattoo almost done.

At last weekend!
The plans changed at the very last minute and I'm spending the weekend in Stockholm. I'm letting the weekend float by in a daze, as my mind is wrapped up in daydreaming about what's to come in the future.

I contacted a tattooartist today to see if he can help me get some work done. It's a big one, so it'll be done in sessions. Hopefully it'll be getting started rather soon.
When it comes to modifications, I have so many ideas, so many things I want to get done... Good thing I'm not rich or I'd be covered with piercings and tattoos by now... and probobly hung by hooks all the time as well. Not that I'd mind at all, but I'm impulsive, so I wouldn't be surprised if I did stuff that I'd later regret.

Winter is melting away outside and the first rain in many months is falling from the skies today. But it'll most likely get below zero soon enough... Which I don't like at all.

I'm slacking off when it comes to photography and writing and I hate myself for letting it happen. My mind is polluted with meaningless shit and it needs to be taken care of. Focus!

Won two prices at work this week; chocolate and a ticket to the movietheatre. I gave the chocolate away since it was a kind I dislike more than all others: dark chocolate.
The movieticket I forgot at work and I wouldn't be surprised if someone 'by mistake' took it by the time I'm back... If it's still there when I come back at monday, I'll use it. Not that I ever go to the cinema, but a free cinema-visit... what's the harm?

Dreams, Henry Rollins & writing...

Chocolate!

In our room at the Hotel Royal,

where Sandra and I stayed when in

Gothenburg to see Henry Rollins.

A flower from a bouqet my sister

got at her graduation party.



I love interesting books and
magazines. And I love photography.

My sister and I just came back from a over-night visit to Gothenburg on tuesday. The ride over there was anything but nice - the train we were to go with was still no where to be seen when we - more than two hours late, left Stockholm Central on a different train.

But we got there in time to get our stuff to the hotel, eat a nice dinner at a thai restaurant and then take a taxi to Lorensbergsteatern, where we were to see Henry Rollins do his Spoken Word.

I'm experiencing decision-making difficulty... I am lost as where to go next as far as my book goes. What if the damn thing doesn't sell? I'm kind of dependant on it selling... at least some copies.

It's my dream to be an auther and if that doesn't come through, then I don't know what to do. I have to patience to be stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I have no wish to settle with something less than what I feel I should have.

As long as I can survive on doing what I want to do, I'm a very happy person. If I can't, well then I'm just a bored fuck like everybody else. And with that said, more people should dare to follow their dreams.

Lollapalooza starts my tour of the US this summer!

I should be in bed, but I'm not. Not even close. I should dicipline myself, but why bother? I don't have time to be correct, I have time to be me.

Everything is quite... blah right now.
My mind is way off, it's in Chicago to be precise, and I am not. And that's confusing. I wanna wake up and eat breakfast at House of Pancakes, but is that happening? Nooo, and I wanna stroll in Grant Park, walk by the Harbour and chill...
But I'm kind of stuck.
Or as stuck as I let myself be, but I feel it would be stupid to take off and be superpoor somewhere, as I would have no income if I left right now.

But I'll be gone in August (perhaps a little longer), traveling in the US and perhaps Canada and Mexico while I'm in the neighbourhood, so to say. I need to escape this hellhole, or I'll go insane pretty soon. I'll start and finish in Chicago and whatever happens in between will be great. Whatever it is that happens. Just me and the camera. Just me and my life. New people, new places, new food and new none-routines. That's what I need. A little thing without routine and with absolutly no schedual except to catch the flight home X amount of weeks later...

Or not exactly hellhole... but I'm bored and I'm starting to feel a bit stuck. Like I've gotten a routine in life's everyday-tour that I don't like. I want more, I want better and I want fun.

I'm turning 28 this month and I feel like birthdays mean nothing anymore - so I decided to have a birthday party for the first time in years. Not that I have organized my place yet, but that's another 'eh, who cares?'. I'll serve alcohol and snacks, I doubt people will thinking about the lack of... plants? paintings? rugs? I don't know, but I doubt people would care. It's a party and it'll be superfun!!

The good, the better and the suspension...

Life goes on, a new year and new possibilities.
I am deep in books not yet written, full of ideas and have energy like never before (perhaps illness leaving the body) and I love it all.
Listening to Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark, didn't know I liked Bruce, but apperantly I do.

December was a fun month, the best month in a very long time (beats most of them, to be honest).

To wrap up 2009 once and for all, and I could go on forever, I must say it was the year when I put more value to my life and saw the many possibilities that lay right in front of me. I'm single, strong and inspired. Just the way I like it.

The near future holds plenty of adventure, hard work and fun work. Playtime is put aside as life is taking new turns, long hours working is combined with... long hours working ;)

And to comment on the photos of the suspension (you noticed the hooks, right?), it's the closest thing to spirituality I have ever come. It's so different and not at all like I thought... The pain of putting in hooks to your back is... nothing, really, to mention. Doesn't hurt. At least not in the upper back. The suspension itself is more mental than physical, as all the barriers I crossed were in my mind rather than in the body.
And to overcome mental barriers doesn't hurt!
But I wasn't prepared for the brutal massage Chai & Fredrik took the kind liberty to give me... That is PAIN, I tell you. You get air in under the skin as you hang (natural, as the hooks release the top layers of skin from the tissue below, making space for air to enter the body). This air needs to be taken out, a procedure the guys so nastily call a massage, allthough it's nothing like I've ever pictured having a massage by two men ;)
They press skin towards the holes from the hooks (by then taken out) and this is painfull and the air is... air. A bit tricky to get out.
So imagine two strong men trying to force air out from under your skin, with fresh hookmarks as the exit they're aming for.

But that doesn't stop me from planning my second suspension in a few months. The waiting is the hardest part, as someone once sang.