Here we go again...

Life, life, life... what a thing.

Feels like this summer has been spent being ill, since I managed to get a bad infection when I got a new tattoo. Well, that's the punishment for getting tattooed in the heat of summer, when infections come too easily, I guess.

But I'm better now, both me and the tattoo survived, thankfully.

I have come to the conclusion that I take myself too seriously and I should stop telling people about all my big plans this way or that way, since I hardly ever stand on course long enough to follow through with things... What can I say, I'm very excited day one and then I happen to get a new idea and all of a sudden I I think of something else and poof! I'm heading in a new direction.

Confusing for some, everyday life for me.

Sorry everybody.

Why do books have to take up so much space? I've run out of storage for my precious books... I swear, the bookcase is filled beyond maximum capacity. What now? To stop buying books is not an option.

I have an order I made online and I dread when they arrive... Maybe I can put my new arrivals in the cupboard next to the pasta and rice?

A cute turtle I found at Skansen a few weeks ago.

Personal Dreams

Shopping, one of my loved ways of passing time. Today has been filled of shopping, I was in Skärholmen in the afternoon and bought a sleepingbag, air matress, pump, bag, panties and socks. And earplugs. And cotton pads for make up removal. And 50% ownership in a tent.
And just a short while ago (like an hour ago) I bought some goodies online. A collection box filled with 3 CD's and one DVD by k.d. lang, a collection box with 4 movies starring Robert DiNero and a CD filled with hits from the 60's.

I have been thinking about shopping and the fact that I tend to spend my money on things which in the long run doesn't give me any positive feelings. I tend to buy boring things, instead of buying what I really want.
Some few days ago I took matters in my own hands and wrote down a list of things that I really want, small expenses which would make my life feel better.
I am a firm believer in making one's dreams come true. With a limited income, it's not possible to do huge, crazy things like building my own house, but I do have the possibility of changing the little details I'm not happy with.
So what did I do?
I looked at what I disliked at home; what I wanted to change without spending too much money. And my first goal was to; throw out all panties I never use and replace them with new ones that I really like, buy music and films which I really like instead of wishing I had.

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
I mean, why have lots of panties in the drawers which I never use anyways? They lay there and take up space and I would never wear them. It felt good to throw them away once and for all.
And I love music and movies and I do want to support the artists, not the free download sites online. So this month I have bought 8 CD's and the 4 movie collection I mentioned above.

Life is too short to deny myself to live it the way I want to, these little details in life is to some extent about thinking; I deserve it.
I believe the quality of life is in many ways up to ourselves to decide. We wake up every day and we decide what to do with it. In this world that means money is involved in many aspects of living out your dreams. But you don't have to be rich to see your personal dreams come true. Look for what you can do instead of what you can't.

Update

Oh my... So much has happened since I last wrote here. I don't know where to start. I ended 2010 pretty drastically by peaking in my depression. Well, I tried to kill myself. That led to good care from professionals and I can say that I feel much better now. I make progress and try my best to live a better life. I get the help I need and I feel like the future is much brighter for me now than it's been in a long time.

This summer seemes to be based on great music; on June 22nd, I will see Foo Fighters live here in Stockholm, then I'll go to Peace & Love Festival June 28 - July 2; including Bob Dylan, Bad Religion and much much more fantastic music. I'll be working there as a volonteer, in the beer tents. Fun!

Looking bald to go blonde

Now I can proudly say I’ve been free from cigarettes for a whole month! And what did I do to celebrate it? My sister came here for the weekend and she cut my hair really nice (thank you , sweetie!) and I’m in what seems to be a long process of returning to my natural state as a blonde. Having been coloring my hair black for years and years, there’s a whole lot of black to get out  before you get to dark red, lighter red, dark orange, light orange and then finally super white. Right now I have all of those colors represented on my head. I love colors, but to have them all in a rainbow on my head is not something I want to keep, so me and my sister went looking for the strongest bleech we could find in the city today. Tomorrow I’m giving it a go and hopefully I’ll still have hair left on my head once I’m done, haha.

I’m so sick of having long black hair, as a natural blonde it’s a pain in the ass keeping up with the coloring of it. As soon as it comes out just a little, I look bald. This process of going blonde will be followed through right to the end, no more black! Or red/orange/white as the current situation is.

I just hope that the bleech does the trick. Yesterday we used color extraction treatment and it really didn’t do very much… Just look at how superdark it still is after the first 3 cm (1 inch). And the fact that my roots are so white I look kind of balding is just creepy…

 

Quitting smoking Part 3

Got back to Stockholm yesterday and I find it harder to stay away from cigarettes here at home, where I am so used to the ugly habit. Last time I was here, I was a smoker. It is an identity that is not too easy to distance myself from. As I become ever more perfected at the skills of understanding the difference between physical and psycological withdrawl, I can now better understand what I must do to make this transition easier for me.

It’s been 17 days since I stopped smoking, more than half a month! Since October 18th, I have not smoked a single cigarette. Or used any other tobacco product for that matter.

I was afraid I would start smoking again once I got here and I’m so happy to tell you that it wasn’t hard at all to stay strong and far far away from those nasty cigarettes.

On the battlefield – quitting smoking Part 2

This is my 12th day since I quit smoking. Not the first time I try to quit, but I got a good feeling about it. The first days were a bitch, which came as no surprise. There were moments when I couldn’t sit still, had zero concentration. Fortunatly that only lasted for short whiles during the first days. Now I feel fine, but still think about smoking several times a day. I guess I’ll do that for some time to come.

How long does it take until you know you’ll make it? I know 12 days isn’t the answer, but it would be nice to know how long you’re in battle and when you know the battle is won. Now my big fears are seeing someone lighting a cigarette in front of me & someone asking me if I want a cigarette.

I want to come to the stage when I can think of myself of someone who once used to smoke, instead of someone who is quitting. Then there are those who say any addiction is too easy to pick up again… Cheerfull bastards, huh? I once went without cigarettes for 3-4 months and started again for the simple reason of an ex (the boyfriend at the time) wondered if I wanted a pack of cigarettes as we were buying groceries… Damn sadist.

But I must say it’s not hard to quit if you stay clear of temptations. And we all know life is filled with temptations. Willpower and a mindset to never give in, that’s what I’m going to battle prepared with. Wish me luck!

A walk down a familiar road

The much loved autumn is here, colorful and magnificent!

 

One of the two darling cats I’m babysitting in Gävle.

 

This month I’m living in my sister’s apartment, babysitting the two cats and a cute rabbit. It’s fun to adjust my habits to a city I moved away from many years ago. I basically only come here when I visit my sister. It’s interesting to revisit places I’v spent quite much time in the past. I see things with new eyes and it makes me appriciate where I come from and what this city did for me as I grew up. Gävle is a great city to grow up in, my problem is just that it wasn’t a great city for me to live in as an adult. I grew out of it.

Spending a month here alone, as an adult, makes me feel more confident that I made the wright decicion when I moved to Örebro some almost five years ago. But I nolonger feel resentment. I nolonger feel I grew up in the wrong place. Gävle was good, it still is. I feel one month alone here is just what I need to refill my brain with appriceation and memories.