Here we go again...

Life, life, life... what a thing.

Feels like this summer has been spent being ill, since I managed to get a bad infection when I got a new tattoo. Well, that's the punishment for getting tattooed in the heat of summer, when infections come too easily, I guess.

But I'm better now, both me and the tattoo survived, thankfully.

I have come to the conclusion that I take myself too seriously and I should stop telling people about all my big plans this way or that way, since I hardly ever stand on course long enough to follow through with things... What can I say, I'm very excited day one and then I happen to get a new idea and all of a sudden I I think of something else and poof! I'm heading in a new direction.

Confusing for some, everyday life for me.

Sorry everybody.

Why do books have to take up so much space? I've run out of storage for my precious books... I swear, the bookcase is filled beyond maximum capacity. What now? To stop buying books is not an option.

I have an order I made online and I dread when they arrive... Maybe I can put my new arrivals in the cupboard next to the pasta and rice?

A cute turtle I found at Skansen a few weeks ago.

Personal Dreams

Shopping, one of my loved ways of passing time. Today has been filled of shopping, I was in Skärholmen in the afternoon and bought a sleepingbag, air matress, pump, bag, panties and socks. And earplugs. And cotton pads for make up removal. And 50% ownership in a tent.
And just a short while ago (like an hour ago) I bought some goodies online. A collection box filled with 3 CD's and one DVD by k.d. lang, a collection box with 4 movies starring Robert DiNero and a CD filled with hits from the 60's.

I have been thinking about shopping and the fact that I tend to spend my money on things which in the long run doesn't give me any positive feelings. I tend to buy boring things, instead of buying what I really want.
Some few days ago I took matters in my own hands and wrote down a list of things that I really want, small expenses which would make my life feel better.
I am a firm believer in making one's dreams come true. With a limited income, it's not possible to do huge, crazy things like building my own house, but I do have the possibility of changing the little details I'm not happy with.
So what did I do?
I looked at what I disliked at home; what I wanted to change without spending too much money. And my first goal was to; throw out all panties I never use and replace them with new ones that I really like, buy music and films which I really like instead of wishing I had.

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
I mean, why have lots of panties in the drawers which I never use anyways? They lay there and take up space and I would never wear them. It felt good to throw them away once and for all.
And I love music and movies and I do want to support the artists, not the free download sites online. So this month I have bought 8 CD's and the 4 movie collection I mentioned above.

Life is too short to deny myself to live it the way I want to, these little details in life is to some extent about thinking; I deserve it.
I believe the quality of life is in many ways up to ourselves to decide. We wake up every day and we decide what to do with it. In this world that means money is involved in many aspects of living out your dreams. But you don't have to be rich to see your personal dreams come true. Look for what you can do instead of what you can't.

Update

Oh my... So much has happened since I last wrote here. I don't know where to start. I ended 2010 pretty drastically by peaking in my depression. Well, I tried to kill myself. That led to good care from professionals and I can say that I feel much better now. I make progress and try my best to live a better life. I get the help I need and I feel like the future is much brighter for me now than it's been in a long time.

This summer seemes to be based on great music; on June 22nd, I will see Foo Fighters live here in Stockholm, then I'll go to Peace & Love Festival June 28 - July 2; including Bob Dylan, Bad Religion and much much more fantastic music. I'll be working there as a volonteer, in the beer tents. Fun!

Quitting smoking Part 3

Got back to Stockholm yesterday and I find it harder to stay away from cigarettes here at home, where I am so used to the ugly habit. Last time I was here, I was a smoker. It is an identity that is not too easy to distance myself from. As I become ever more perfected at the skills of understanding the difference between physical and psycological withdrawl, I can now better understand what I must do to make this transition easier for me.

It’s been 17 days since I stopped smoking, more than half a month! Since October 18th, I have not smoked a single cigarette. Or used any other tobacco product for that matter.

I was afraid I would start smoking again once I got here and I’m so happy to tell you that it wasn’t hard at all to stay strong and far far away from those nasty cigarettes.

I care

Ok, it’s time for politics. It’s election time here in Sweden and I find it hard to see much good in any of what they are saying. It’s seven parties currently taking the main stage, so to say, and a few small ones trying to get in. I’m tired of it all long before it’s time to vote, since I barely agree with any of them. And the ones I feel slightly alike are far from each other, making me feel unease voting for any of them.

So I have to focus on what is most important not just for me, not just for Sweden, but what will be the best for as many as possible. That excludes all of the parties, unfortunatly. None of them are THAT good. I care for many things. And I don’t want my care and love to be thrown out the window as soon as I cast my vote.

I care about healthcare where you as an individual don’t have to fear financial collapse when being sick or in need of longterm care. I care about making it easy for smaller companies to make it on their own. I care about schools in all age-ranges to be given the financial support they need to provide good teachers, good material and good surroundings for the pupils to feel inspired to learn. I care about making public transportation better, more enviromently friendly and less expensive. I care about providing better care for our elderly, giving them more time with the people who aid them and giving them more options to how they want to spend their ‘golden years’. I care about there being more jobs. I care about making it easier to integrate to Sweden, especially when it comes to getting a job. I care about reducing toxins put out by industries. I care about protecting wildlife. I care about highspeed trains. I care about recycling. I care about lowering taxes for all individuals, especially in low-income families. I care about reducing the number of people in the military. I care about creating more jobs for young people and people with lower education.

I’m sure I forgot many many things that I care about, but the main fact is: There is no political party in Sweden that agrees with me on enough subjects for me to feel comfortable giving them my support. But I’ve made up my mind. I thought that I’d pick the one topic that is most important to me and just go with it. And for me the one thing that I care most for, the one issue that I can not overlook, that is more important then any other, is as simple as it is overlooked by most political parties: the enviroment. The planet, the rainforests, the wellbeing of this little planet of ours.

So I vote (mp), which is the only ‘green’ party in Sweden. They don’t agree with me on even close to alot, but at least they care for the fucking planet. We can fight over large and small topics all we want, but as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter much if we’re killing the planet we’re so obviously 100% dependant on.

I have stayed away from alot of the political talks in the media, but one person who’s thoughts I respect when it comes to Swedish politics and his opinions (although I don’t agree on everything he says) is Magnus Betnér. He’s a stand up comedian who somehow seems to have more politically thought out opinions than most politicians. Somehow he creates a debate few politicians dare to do, he talks about the uncomfortable topics and runs with them all the way to the end. I respect that and I love finaly seeing someone who speaks up, answers honistly and gives a shit. Even if I don’t always agree. He’d have my vote if he’d ever run for anything in politics. For sure.

Magnus Betnér

Photographer: Mats Bäcker

An autumn leap

Autumn is officially here :) Leafs are turning color, the air feels even more fresh and I'm writing a lot. It's great, whatever block I had is gone, the writing is once again smooth and painless. I wish I could say the same about my throat, but it seems I'm well on the way of getting sick. So far the only symptom I have is a swollen throat... It hurts to swallow and right now I'm just happy it's not worse.

In less than a month, I'm going to babysit my sister's two cats and a rabbit. Looking forward to it a great bunch! Spending my days playing with animals and writing on the book seems like a dream. And it'll be nice to get out of Stockholm for a while. I'll be there for about a month and it's just what I need. A break from what is, a leap into something different.

Writers block

Even though I work like crazy I don't feel like I get anything done... It's frustrating to say the least. I wanna be done. Published.
But I'm not. I'm writing and writing... For what? Money? No. Fame? No. I write because I love to write. Because there's so many untold stories.
Today is a day I rather just forget.

Stuck in here - frog alert

Trying my best not to involve my brain too much today. Work is not even an option... So I'm doing some laundry and playing around on the computor. Have to keep my mind occupied. The weather sucks, so I feel stuck in here, but it could be worse, much worse.
I was woken up by my sister at 10:20am and I felt the need to sit up and acually open my eyes before I answered. In other words - I didn't sleep much last night.

And I got my wardrobe organized and lit a scented candle. You might say I'm taking care of myself. I would say I'm keeping myself distracted. Keeping the brain and the heart as far apart as possible.
Think I'm gonna do some baking tomorrow. I don't have the energy for it today. Baking and further cleaning.

And what's up with all the frogs here? Today I rescued the third frog in 2-3 weeks... My entrance is one floor down, with stairs. So the frogs must think it's a cool place, but then can't get up on their own. So I am on frog-watch. A part in my plan to make this planet a better place, I guess. We all have to start somewhere. Saving frogs is important, like not killing spiders just because they happen to be indoors. I have a spider in the bathroom I named Bruno. It's curled up in the corner behind the toilet and I'm just hoping it wont find someone to make babies with... I'm not a big fan of spiders. But we'll get along fine as long as it's quiet in that corner.

The walk

Today has been spent walking with Mikaela in Stockholm. A warm, lovely day. Many thoughts run around in my head, I get tired just thinking about everything that's happening. Soon I'll be moving to a new place. Don't know where/when yet, but hey, why make life simple when it's so easy to live in complex limbo...

So to keep myself from going crazy, I take it one day at a time. This year seems to be just as full of surprises as the last one was.

Hopefully I'll be pleasently surprised at the way everything turns out. But I'm not taking anything for granted. The road ahead is still not visible.

On a tuesday

A musical day so far. Spotify on all morning, living in denail. I'm avoiding the sertain pain I'll have to give myself in a little bit. I coloured my hair last night, black, and sure as sunshine after rain, I have discoloured my little forehead. Bad thing, and I have tried two methods to remove the colour so far, but I still have a 'shadow' of darkness left to tackle. But luckily I don't fear pain, nothing to do but laugh at the fact that I choose redness instead haha. Anyone who have great, painless mathods how to get rid of haircolour that's stuck to the skin, feel free to comment. And don't tell me to do it with greater care, I'm the messy type and I like it that way.

Later in the afternoon I'll go get a piercing done, called orbital helix. Google it, I'm so happy I'm getting it. I'll have it in the right ear.
Usually I'm loving the idea of something, but don't get it done. I'm thinking I should change that and just start doing all the things I wanna have done. So much bare skin to tattoo, so many places to pierce.
I think the core issue for me is to do as I want, stop caring so much about what others might think. It's not their lives I'm living, it's mine. And why compromise my life?

Life is good

Summer is arriving, with it comes all that's good in this world. Not that the good doesn't come in other months as well, it just feels so much better when accompanied by sun, smiles and nice feelings...
The tattoo has healed well, now I want more of them - what a surprise!
But I have one in particular I'm thinking of doing, just don't know where's the perfect place to put it. But I'll figure it out soon enough, no worries. Plenty of good places to choose from, that's the problem.

A day spent listening to music, writing and doing too little of everything else one should do. My mind is off somewhere being happy and leaves me here like a vegetable, haha. No complains, though.. It's the best kind of happy.

Buddha, you're mine forever!

I have finally gone ahead and given myself a little gift in the shape of Buddha tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's beautiful, and a photo or two will be shared as soon as it heals a little bit more (almost done, a week since I got it). It had been ten years since I got my first tattoo and I must say it hurt like hell getting this one done.. but well worth it! 5 hours of pain followed by a lifetime of Buddha, to make the choice was easy ;)

Summer is on it's way over here, the sun is beginning to feel warm and I'm looking forward to an interesting summer filled with writing, romance and sunshine. I feel more positive than I have been in a long time and I have nothing to complain about, for a change.

This weekend I'm visiting my sister in Gävle, which I'm really looking forward to. I miss her, she brightens up a day like no one else.

Quit Smoking Part 1

To quit smoking is a thing no smoker wants to go through. It's hell, and I'm going through it now. Not as bad as I pictured it to be, it's at it's worse when I've eaten.
Don't know how I'll deal with the habits, you don't realize how much you've shaped life around the addiction until you stop. It's been just one day so far and I feel a bit lost when I've eaten and I stand there "What to do now?" It must look a bit foolish, but it's nice to feel that I'm in control of this and that I have the power to choose, and I really don't want to smoke anymore.

It's not easy, but I know it's a good thing to quit. Even though my mood is a bit up and down, I think today will be easier than yesterday.
I spent 13 years building a nasty habit. Now it's time to replace those ugly cigarettes with something nice. For the moment, I just enjoy the strenth of caracter not to smoke.

Nature

In the magic forrest behind my house, one can find much more than just trees and large stones. I found the cover to my book through the lens of my camera. Not this picture though, but another one.
I love walking in it, it's full of secrets and when you least expect it you stumble on a path that seems so out of place, so rustic, you think you've entered another realm.

A tattoo planned for, is as good as a tattoo almost done.

At last weekend!
The plans changed at the very last minute and I'm spending the weekend in Stockholm. I'm letting the weekend float by in a daze, as my mind is wrapped up in daydreaming about what's to come in the future.

I contacted a tattooartist today to see if he can help me get some work done. It's a big one, so it'll be done in sessions. Hopefully it'll be getting started rather soon.
When it comes to modifications, I have so many ideas, so many things I want to get done... Good thing I'm not rich or I'd be covered with piercings and tattoos by now... and probobly hung by hooks all the time as well. Not that I'd mind at all, but I'm impulsive, so I wouldn't be surprised if I did stuff that I'd later regret.

Winter is melting away outside and the first rain in many months is falling from the skies today. But it'll most likely get below zero soon enough... Which I don't like at all.

I'm slacking off when it comes to photography and writing and I hate myself for letting it happen. My mind is polluted with meaningless shit and it needs to be taken care of. Focus!

Won two prices at work this week; chocolate and a ticket to the movietheatre. I gave the chocolate away since it was a kind I dislike more than all others: dark chocolate.
The movieticket I forgot at work and I wouldn't be surprised if someone 'by mistake' took it by the time I'm back... If it's still there when I come back at monday, I'll use it. Not that I ever go to the cinema, but a free cinema-visit... what's the harm?

Dreams, Henry Rollins & writing...

Chocolate!

In our room at the Hotel Royal,

where Sandra and I stayed when in

Gothenburg to see Henry Rollins.

A flower from a bouqet my sister

got at her graduation party.



I love interesting books and
magazines. And I love photography.

My sister and I just came back from a over-night visit to Gothenburg on tuesday. The ride over there was anything but nice - the train we were to go with was still no where to be seen when we - more than two hours late, left Stockholm Central on a different train.

But we got there in time to get our stuff to the hotel, eat a nice dinner at a thai restaurant and then take a taxi to Lorensbergsteatern, where we were to see Henry Rollins do his Spoken Word.

I'm experiencing decision-making difficulty... I am lost as where to go next as far as my book goes. What if the damn thing doesn't sell? I'm kind of dependant on it selling... at least some copies.

It's my dream to be an auther and if that doesn't come through, then I don't know what to do. I have to patience to be stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I have no wish to settle with something less than what I feel I should have.

As long as I can survive on doing what I want to do, I'm a very happy person. If I can't, well then I'm just a bored fuck like everybody else. And with that said, more people should dare to follow their dreams.

Lollapalooza starts my tour of the US this summer!

I should be in bed, but I'm not. Not even close. I should dicipline myself, but why bother? I don't have time to be correct, I have time to be me.

Everything is quite... blah right now.
My mind is way off, it's in Chicago to be precise, and I am not. And that's confusing. I wanna wake up and eat breakfast at House of Pancakes, but is that happening? Nooo, and I wanna stroll in Grant Park, walk by the Harbour and chill...
But I'm kind of stuck.
Or as stuck as I let myself be, but I feel it would be stupid to take off and be superpoor somewhere, as I would have no income if I left right now.

But I'll be gone in August (perhaps a little longer), traveling in the US and perhaps Canada and Mexico while I'm in the neighbourhood, so to say. I need to escape this hellhole, or I'll go insane pretty soon. I'll start and finish in Chicago and whatever happens in between will be great. Whatever it is that happens. Just me and the camera. Just me and my life. New people, new places, new food and new none-routines. That's what I need. A little thing without routine and with absolutly no schedual except to catch the flight home X amount of weeks later...

Or not exactly hellhole... but I'm bored and I'm starting to feel a bit stuck. Like I've gotten a routine in life's everyday-tour that I don't like. I want more, I want better and I want fun.

I'm turning 28 this month and I feel like birthdays mean nothing anymore - so I decided to have a birthday party for the first time in years. Not that I have organized my place yet, but that's another 'eh, who cares?'. I'll serve alcohol and snacks, I doubt people will thinking about the lack of... plants? paintings? rugs? I don't know, but I doubt people would care. It's a party and it'll be superfun!!

The good, the better and the suspension...

Life goes on, a new year and new possibilities.
I am deep in books not yet written, full of ideas and have energy like never before (perhaps illness leaving the body) and I love it all.
Listening to Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark, didn't know I liked Bruce, but apperantly I do.

December was a fun month, the best month in a very long time (beats most of them, to be honest).

To wrap up 2009 once and for all, and I could go on forever, I must say it was the year when I put more value to my life and saw the many possibilities that lay right in front of me. I'm single, strong and inspired. Just the way I like it.

The near future holds plenty of adventure, hard work and fun work. Playtime is put aside as life is taking new turns, long hours working is combined with... long hours working ;)

And to comment on the photos of the suspension (you noticed the hooks, right?), it's the closest thing to spirituality I have ever come. It's so different and not at all like I thought... The pain of putting in hooks to your back is... nothing, really, to mention. Doesn't hurt. At least not in the upper back. The suspension itself is more mental than physical, as all the barriers I crossed were in my mind rather than in the body.
And to overcome mental barriers doesn't hurt!
But I wasn't prepared for the brutal massage Chai & Fredrik took the kind liberty to give me... That is PAIN, I tell you. You get air in under the skin as you hang (natural, as the hooks release the top layers of skin from the tissue below, making space for air to enter the body). This air needs to be taken out, a procedure the guys so nastily call a massage, allthough it's nothing like I've ever pictured having a massage by two men ;)
They press skin towards the holes from the hooks (by then taken out) and this is painfull and the air is... air. A bit tricky to get out.
So imagine two strong men trying to force air out from under your skin, with fresh hookmarks as the exit they're aming for.

But that doesn't stop me from planning my second suspension in a few months. The waiting is the hardest part, as someone once sang.

December in pictures

I'm hooked

Tired today, yesterday was very exciting, with the suspension and everything. :) It was not what I had prepared myself mentally for; the hooks didn't hurt to put in, but the suspension itself... It was a mental hurdle I found very hard. To force your mind to do something it knows it doesn't have to do is much harder than I could ever imagine.
But Im so happy I did it!
Chai & Fredrik at CALM Bodymodification here in Stockholm did an amazing job, I'll post photos soon.
It was a great experience and I am sure I will do it again.

And today is Johannas birthday: Happy birthday sweetie!

So close to Christmas, and I'm off from work for 9 days, which is such a luxary! I really need some time off. :)