Looking bald to go blonde

Now I can proudly say I’ve been free from cigarettes for a whole month! And what did I do to celebrate it? My sister came here for the weekend and she cut my hair really nice (thank you , sweetie!) and I’m in what seems to be a long process of returning to my natural state as a blonde. Having been coloring my hair black for years and years, there’s a whole lot of black to get out  before you get to dark red, lighter red, dark orange, light orange and then finally super white. Right now I have all of those colors represented on my head. I love colors, but to have them all in a rainbow on my head is not something I want to keep, so me and my sister went looking for the strongest bleech we could find in the city today. Tomorrow I’m giving it a go and hopefully I’ll still have hair left on my head once I’m done, haha.

I’m so sick of having long black hair, as a natural blonde it’s a pain in the ass keeping up with the coloring of it. As soon as it comes out just a little, I look bald. This process of going blonde will be followed through right to the end, no more black! Or red/orange/white as the current situation is.

I just hope that the bleech does the trick. Yesterday we used color extraction treatment and it really didn’t do very much… Just look at how superdark it still is after the first 3 cm (1 inch). And the fact that my roots are so white I look kind of balding is just creepy…

 

Quitting smoking Part 3

Got back to Stockholm yesterday and I find it harder to stay away from cigarettes here at home, where I am so used to the ugly habit. Last time I was here, I was a smoker. It is an identity that is not too easy to distance myself from. As I become ever more perfected at the skills of understanding the difference between physical and psycological withdrawl, I can now better understand what I must do to make this transition easier for me.

It’s been 17 days since I stopped smoking, more than half a month! Since October 18th, I have not smoked a single cigarette. Or used any other tobacco product for that matter.

I was afraid I would start smoking again once I got here and I’m so happy to tell you that it wasn’t hard at all to stay strong and far far away from those nasty cigarettes.

On the battlefield – quitting smoking Part 2

This is my 12th day since I quit smoking. Not the first time I try to quit, but I got a good feeling about it. The first days were a bitch, which came as no surprise. There were moments when I couldn’t sit still, had zero concentration. Fortunatly that only lasted for short whiles during the first days. Now I feel fine, but still think about smoking several times a day. I guess I’ll do that for some time to come.

How long does it take until you know you’ll make it? I know 12 days isn’t the answer, but it would be nice to know how long you’re in battle and when you know the battle is won. Now my big fears are seeing someone lighting a cigarette in front of me & someone asking me if I want a cigarette.

I want to come to the stage when I can think of myself of someone who once used to smoke, instead of someone who is quitting. Then there are those who say any addiction is too easy to pick up again… Cheerfull bastards, huh? I once went without cigarettes for 3-4 months and started again for the simple reason of an ex (the boyfriend at the time) wondered if I wanted a pack of cigarettes as we were buying groceries… Damn sadist.

But I must say it’s not hard to quit if you stay clear of temptations. And we all know life is filled with temptations. Willpower and a mindset to never give in, that’s what I’m going to battle prepared with. Wish me luck!

A walk down a familiar road

The much loved autumn is here, colorful and magnificent!

 

One of the two darling cats I’m babysitting in Gävle.

 

This month I’m living in my sister’s apartment, babysitting the two cats and a cute rabbit. It’s fun to adjust my habits to a city I moved away from many years ago. I basically only come here when I visit my sister. It’s interesting to revisit places I’v spent quite much time in the past. I see things with new eyes and it makes me appriciate where I come from and what this city did for me as I grew up. Gävle is a great city to grow up in, my problem is just that it wasn’t a great city for me to live in as an adult. I grew out of it.

Spending a month here alone, as an adult, makes me feel more confident that I made the wright decicion when I moved to Örebro some almost five years ago. But I nolonger feel resentment. I nolonger feel I grew up in the wrong place. Gävle was good, it still is. I feel one month alone here is just what I need to refill my brain with appriceation and memories.

The racist-closet has been opened…

I am in chock about what I hear Swedes write about Sweden and what should be done differently over here these days. People say insane things like ‘we should not give money to foreign nations and areas of disaster, we should spend that money on Swedes instead’. Oh my God, does people even stop to think about what they say?

We’re so spoiled here in Sweden, we don’t stop to think about just how good our lives are. People complain about the politicians over here not caring about the needs of this nation. That’s pure bullshit; we’re so well off, we shouldn’t even compare our petty problems to nations and areas which really need our help.

Sure there are things we can improve, there’s always room for improvment in any country. But to make those improvments at the cost of our donations to other countries is nothing short of insane.

It feels like an incredible amount of people in Sweden just came out of the racist-closet. That’s scary. Racism freaks me out in a big way, it’s a very scary thing and for the first time in many many years, I fear for what might happen here. People seem to have lost their minds. Lost their empathy and their humanity as well.

Sweden has the opportunity to give financial support to other nations and that’s something to be proud of. We also have the opportunity to help people by giving them a new home here in Sweden and that too is something to be proud of and make sure it never changes.

My hope is that people start analyzing their thoughts in a critical way. It’s not ok to treat people like shit because they aren’t just like you. It’s not ok to think you’re better than someone else just because your family has been here in Sweden longer.

Racism is like cancer and you’d have to be pretty stupid to vote for cancer to rule politics…

When intelligence is thrown out the window…

So… The racist party got over 5% of the votes in the Swedish election. As a party needs 4% to be in the riksdag, they are officially in. Luckily they are as unprepared as they are hidious in their views on imigration and hopefully they wont be able to get any of their suggestions through. No other party wants anything to do with them and alone they can’t do much. I’ve looked at interviews posted on YouTube with some of these people and honistly, one would think they would know what is in the party’s interests. Their official main topic is to preserve Swedish culture. (We all know that’s bullshit and they seriously just want to promote racist ideas.) But what these idiots say in the interviews is hilarious! They want to preserve Swedish culture, then go on saying the culture they want to preserve is Christmas. I didn’t know that was a Swedish phenomenon… I’d like to add: How would imigrants be a threat to Christmas? I’ve never ever heard someone say that Christmas should be thrown out the window.

What I have heard someone say, is that people of different religious views should be able to have their seasonal holidays accordingly. And in every angle of that statement, it is a positive thing. If everybody want the same few days off from work, it creates a problem. If people want different days off, it makes it easier on the companies, on the individuals (as they are more likely to get the vacation granted as they wish) and also gives people the freedom to celebrate according to their culture and/or religion.

They go on saying they want to preserve historical artifacts ‘forntidsminnen’. That means the old stones the Vikings rose, with messages carved in to them. Let me ask you this: When was the last time you saw someone do damage to one of these stones as an imigrational protest? You might see the random case of graffiti on them, but that’s nothing you can blame people for in a matter of throwing someone out of Sweden for doing it… if it was an imigrant. I bet it was a Swede.

It’s hard to take people seriously when they don’t give a fuck about what they’re doing. The people they use as politicians are ex-criminal, low intelligence guys who can’t tell their left foot from their right. These next 4 years of politics in Sweden will be interesting indeed. And I’m glad on the behalf of the comedians of Sweden too, they will have so much easy material!

I care

Ok, it’s time for politics. It’s election time here in Sweden and I find it hard to see much good in any of what they are saying. It’s seven parties currently taking the main stage, so to say, and a few small ones trying to get in. I’m tired of it all long before it’s time to vote, since I barely agree with any of them. And the ones I feel slightly alike are far from each other, making me feel unease voting for any of them.

So I have to focus on what is most important not just for me, not just for Sweden, but what will be the best for as many as possible. That excludes all of the parties, unfortunatly. None of them are THAT good. I care for many things. And I don’t want my care and love to be thrown out the window as soon as I cast my vote.

I care about healthcare where you as an individual don’t have to fear financial collapse when being sick or in need of longterm care. I care about making it easy for smaller companies to make it on their own. I care about schools in all age-ranges to be given the financial support they need to provide good teachers, good material and good surroundings for the pupils to feel inspired to learn. I care about making public transportation better, more enviromently friendly and less expensive. I care about providing better care for our elderly, giving them more time with the people who aid them and giving them more options to how they want to spend their ‘golden years’. I care about there being more jobs. I care about making it easier to integrate to Sweden, especially when it comes to getting a job. I care about reducing toxins put out by industries. I care about protecting wildlife. I care about highspeed trains. I care about recycling. I care about lowering taxes for all individuals, especially in low-income families. I care about reducing the number of people in the military. I care about creating more jobs for young people and people with lower education.

I’m sure I forgot many many things that I care about, but the main fact is: There is no political party in Sweden that agrees with me on enough subjects for me to feel comfortable giving them my support. But I’ve made up my mind. I thought that I’d pick the one topic that is most important to me and just go with it. And for me the one thing that I care most for, the one issue that I can not overlook, that is more important then any other, is as simple as it is overlooked by most political parties: the enviroment. The planet, the rainforests, the wellbeing of this little planet of ours.

So I vote (mp), which is the only ‘green’ party in Sweden. They don’t agree with me on even close to alot, but at least they care for the fucking planet. We can fight over large and small topics all we want, but as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter much if we’re killing the planet we’re so obviously 100% dependant on.

I have stayed away from alot of the political talks in the media, but one person who’s thoughts I respect when it comes to Swedish politics and his opinions (although I don’t agree on everything he says) is Magnus Betnér. He’s a stand up comedian who somehow seems to have more politically thought out opinions than most politicians. Somehow he creates a debate few politicians dare to do, he talks about the uncomfortable topics and runs with them all the way to the end. I respect that and I love finaly seeing someone who speaks up, answers honistly and gives a shit. Even if I don’t always agree. He’d have my vote if he’d ever run for anything in politics. For sure.

Magnus Betnér

Photographer: Mats Bäcker

Shopping & Gävle

Times are good, I must say. I get myself closer to where I want to be all the time and it feels so good. There are still much to work on, but that’s fine.

Today the plan is to do some light shopping. I have been strict about shopping for so long, I feel I need to do it again before I forget how to. But what to get? That’s the question :) And not wanting to spend a fortune makes it a challange. Perhaps I’ll go for a pair of pants and shoes. Perhaps not. Ah, what a silly problem to share… forgive me :)

Looking forward to October, when I’ll be spending the whole month in Gävle, babysitting my sister & girlfriend’s cats. And the rabbit, of course. I haven’t been spending any time on my own in Gävle for years and I look forward to long walks, playing with the cats, working and seeing people. Yeah, it’ll be a great month! The problem is just to know what to pack. I don’t really wanna go back and forth, so I will be doing some serious lists I think. Otherwise I’ll forget something important and end up being frustrated, haha. Good times ahead!

Rain

It’s the middle of the night, I’m up as usual and it’s raining outside. Time moves slowly in the nights, making it easier to get lots done. The rain both sets a calm and romantic background sound, but at the same time it brings down the level of love of autumn… Not fun.

 

I’ve been very creative these last few days, making things on the computor, working on the books, taking lots of pictures and so on. Wonderful.

The great outdoors

There are some places in the world I just HAVE to visit to feel I've lived my life as I please. I love taking walks (don't we all?) and some day it would be fun to get a little more out of it... Just look at the bench cut out right out of the mountain, perfect when you wanna stop and take some photos (or to stand on when the wood goes up in flames, or breaks...)
I'd love to walk there, no safety and nothing but a chain to hold on to... What a walk!

On the pics I see something that worries me... the path comes to an abrupt end! Ouch, hope one keeps an eye of where they're going.

An autumn leap

Autumn is officially here :) Leafs are turning color, the air feels even more fresh and I'm writing a lot. It's great, whatever block I had is gone, the writing is once again smooth and painless. I wish I could say the same about my throat, but it seems I'm well on the way of getting sick. So far the only symptom I have is a swollen throat... It hurts to swallow and right now I'm just happy it's not worse.

In less than a month, I'm going to babysit my sister's two cats and a rabbit. Looking forward to it a great bunch! Spending my days playing with animals and writing on the book seems like a dream. And it'll be nice to get out of Stockholm for a while. I'll be there for about a month and it's just what I need. A break from what is, a leap into something different.

Writers block

Even though I work like crazy I don't feel like I get anything done... It's frustrating to say the least. I wanna be done. Published.
But I'm not. I'm writing and writing... For what? Money? No. Fame? No. I write because I love to write. Because there's so many untold stories.
Today is a day I rather just forget.

Details of everyday life

As a noted last night (if I'm not mistaken) I was bored and decided to take some photos. The four above is a sample of what was taken. Hope you like them.

Filling time

I desperatly need inspiration over here... I am out of things to do. Done two sets of laundry, fixed the light in the hallway (it's working now, I'm so proud), folded bedsheets, resqued a frog, planned the baking for tomorrow, drank a lot of tea, drawn plenty, played on the computor, neatly organized all my important papers... So what now? It's eleven in the evening and I'm sure I have several hours left before I get tired.
I thought about the camera... But what am I to take photos of? Hm... I guess that's a good enough project for the late evening. Creep around here like a burgler... Great. I'll stay indoors.

Stuck in here - frog alert

Trying my best not to involve my brain too much today. Work is not even an option... So I'm doing some laundry and playing around on the computor. Have to keep my mind occupied. The weather sucks, so I feel stuck in here, but it could be worse, much worse.
I was woken up by my sister at 10:20am and I felt the need to sit up and acually open my eyes before I answered. In other words - I didn't sleep much last night.

And I got my wardrobe organized and lit a scented candle. You might say I'm taking care of myself. I would say I'm keeping myself distracted. Keeping the brain and the heart as far apart as possible.
Think I'm gonna do some baking tomorrow. I don't have the energy for it today. Baking and further cleaning.

And what's up with all the frogs here? Today I rescued the third frog in 2-3 weeks... My entrance is one floor down, with stairs. So the frogs must think it's a cool place, but then can't get up on their own. So I am on frog-watch. A part in my plan to make this planet a better place, I guess. We all have to start somewhere. Saving frogs is important, like not killing spiders just because they happen to be indoors. I have a spider in the bathroom I named Bruno. It's curled up in the corner behind the toilet and I'm just hoping it wont find someone to make babies with... I'm not a big fan of spiders. But we'll get along fine as long as it's quiet in that corner.

The walk

Today has been spent walking with Mikaela in Stockholm. A warm, lovely day. Many thoughts run around in my head, I get tired just thinking about everything that's happening. Soon I'll be moving to a new place. Don't know where/when yet, but hey, why make life simple when it's so easy to live in complex limbo...

So to keep myself from going crazy, I take it one day at a time. This year seems to be just as full of surprises as the last one was.

Hopefully I'll be pleasently surprised at the way everything turns out. But I'm not taking anything for granted. The road ahead is still not visible.

Pride Parade Stockholm 2010

The Parade was on it's new route this summer,

longer than it has been before. I applaude all the people

who made it all the way in heals!

You'd think it's easy to know your way in a parade,
but some people simply follow the white line to be sure...

Hm... let me guess...

Babsan, a loved lady here in Sweden.

Summertime Rolls

As July has not just begun, but almost reached the middle of the month, summer is reaching it's highpoint. It's hot out there, the sun baking the landscape and everyone brave enough to step outside. It's wonderful, the heat. Parts of the mind you forgot all about during the winter comes to life with a force that puts a permanent smile on your face.

Most of the time the only solution is to go in to the water... And that's the plan for Mikaela and me tomorrow. A lovely mangodrink and some cool water to soak in as the sun sets over Stockholm... what more could I possibly ask for?

Mikaela & I at Dao Beach, soaking some sun

after a dip in the water.

Rådhuset in Stockholm

Cute little Linn is almost

one year old... Time goes by so fast.

Summertime colours at their best.

On a wednesday

So I got the piercing done yesterday, but not the one I had planned. I changed some time during the day and am now the happy owner of a newly pierced left nipple. Sweet indeed, as I am greatly loving it. I care for my bodyart like a mother cares for her baby. Or at least I'd like to think I take good care of it.
It was slightly surprising that it barely hurt... Last time I got a nipple done it hurt like hell! So smiles all around ;)

On a tuesday

A musical day so far. Spotify on all morning, living in denail. I'm avoiding the sertain pain I'll have to give myself in a little bit. I coloured my hair last night, black, and sure as sunshine after rain, I have discoloured my little forehead. Bad thing, and I have tried two methods to remove the colour so far, but I still have a 'shadow' of darkness left to tackle. But luckily I don't fear pain, nothing to do but laugh at the fact that I choose redness instead haha. Anyone who have great, painless mathods how to get rid of haircolour that's stuck to the skin, feel free to comment. And don't tell me to do it with greater care, I'm the messy type and I like it that way.

Later in the afternoon I'll go get a piercing done, called orbital helix. Google it, I'm so happy I'm getting it. I'll have it in the right ear.
Usually I'm loving the idea of something, but don't get it done. I'm thinking I should change that and just start doing all the things I wanna have done. So much bare skin to tattoo, so many places to pierce.
I think the core issue for me is to do as I want, stop caring so much about what others might think. It's not their lives I'm living, it's mine. And why compromise my life?

Life is good

Summer is arriving, with it comes all that's good in this world. Not that the good doesn't come in other months as well, it just feels so much better when accompanied by sun, smiles and nice feelings...
The tattoo has healed well, now I want more of them - what a surprise!
But I have one in particular I'm thinking of doing, just don't know where's the perfect place to put it. But I'll figure it out soon enough, no worries. Plenty of good places to choose from, that's the problem.

A day spent listening to music, writing and doing too little of everything else one should do. My mind is off somewhere being happy and leaves me here like a vegetable, haha. No complains, though.. It's the best kind of happy.

Buddha, you're mine forever!

I have finally gone ahead and given myself a little gift in the shape of Buddha tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's beautiful, and a photo or two will be shared as soon as it heals a little bit more (almost done, a week since I got it). It had been ten years since I got my first tattoo and I must say it hurt like hell getting this one done.. but well worth it! 5 hours of pain followed by a lifetime of Buddha, to make the choice was easy ;)

Summer is on it's way over here, the sun is beginning to feel warm and I'm looking forward to an interesting summer filled with writing, romance and sunshine. I feel more positive than I have been in a long time and I have nothing to complain about, for a change.

This weekend I'm visiting my sister in Gävle, which I'm really looking forward to. I miss her, she brightens up a day like no one else.

Quit Smoking Part 1

To quit smoking is a thing no smoker wants to go through. It's hell, and I'm going through it now. Not as bad as I pictured it to be, it's at it's worse when I've eaten.
Don't know how I'll deal with the habits, you don't realize how much you've shaped life around the addiction until you stop. It's been just one day so far and I feel a bit lost when I've eaten and I stand there "What to do now?" It must look a bit foolish, but it's nice to feel that I'm in control of this and that I have the power to choose, and I really don't want to smoke anymore.

It's not easy, but I know it's a good thing to quit. Even though my mood is a bit up and down, I think today will be easier than yesterday.
I spent 13 years building a nasty habit. Now it's time to replace those ugly cigarettes with something nice. For the moment, I just enjoy the strenth of caracter not to smoke.

Nature

In the magic forrest behind my house, one can find much more than just trees and large stones. I found the cover to my book through the lens of my camera. Not this picture though, but another one.
I love walking in it, it's full of secrets and when you least expect it you stumble on a path that seems so out of place, so rustic, you think you've entered another realm.

Awaiting spring

Me

Johanna & Linn

Sandra

Johanna & I

A tattoo planned for, is as good as a tattoo almost done.

At last weekend!
The plans changed at the very last minute and I'm spending the weekend in Stockholm. I'm letting the weekend float by in a daze, as my mind is wrapped up in daydreaming about what's to come in the future.

I contacted a tattooartist today to see if he can help me get some work done. It's a big one, so it'll be done in sessions. Hopefully it'll be getting started rather soon.
When it comes to modifications, I have so many ideas, so many things I want to get done... Good thing I'm not rich or I'd be covered with piercings and tattoos by now... and probobly hung by hooks all the time as well. Not that I'd mind at all, but I'm impulsive, so I wouldn't be surprised if I did stuff that I'd later regret.

Winter is melting away outside and the first rain in many months is falling from the skies today. But it'll most likely get below zero soon enough... Which I don't like at all.

I'm slacking off when it comes to photography and writing and I hate myself for letting it happen. My mind is polluted with meaningless shit and it needs to be taken care of. Focus!

Won two prices at work this week; chocolate and a ticket to the movietheatre. I gave the chocolate away since it was a kind I dislike more than all others: dark chocolate.
The movieticket I forgot at work and I wouldn't be surprised if someone 'by mistake' took it by the time I'm back... If it's still there when I come back at monday, I'll use it. Not that I ever go to the cinema, but a free cinema-visit... what's the harm?

Dreams, Henry Rollins & writing...

Chocolate!

In our room at the Hotel Royal,

where Sandra and I stayed when in

Gothenburg to see Henry Rollins.

A flower from a bouqet my sister

got at her graduation party.



I love interesting books and
magazines. And I love photography.

My sister and I just came back from a over-night visit to Gothenburg on tuesday. The ride over there was anything but nice - the train we were to go with was still no where to be seen when we - more than two hours late, left Stockholm Central on a different train.

But we got there in time to get our stuff to the hotel, eat a nice dinner at a thai restaurant and then take a taxi to Lorensbergsteatern, where we were to see Henry Rollins do his Spoken Word.

I'm experiencing decision-making difficulty... I am lost as where to go next as far as my book goes. What if the damn thing doesn't sell? I'm kind of dependant on it selling... at least some copies.

It's my dream to be an auther and if that doesn't come through, then I don't know what to do. I have to patience to be stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I have no wish to settle with something less than what I feel I should have.

As long as I can survive on doing what I want to do, I'm a very happy person. If I can't, well then I'm just a bored fuck like everybody else. And with that said, more people should dare to follow their dreams.

Lollapalooza starts my tour of the US this summer!

I should be in bed, but I'm not. Not even close. I should dicipline myself, but why bother? I don't have time to be correct, I have time to be me.

Everything is quite... blah right now.
My mind is way off, it's in Chicago to be precise, and I am not. And that's confusing. I wanna wake up and eat breakfast at House of Pancakes, but is that happening? Nooo, and I wanna stroll in Grant Park, walk by the Harbour and chill...
But I'm kind of stuck.
Or as stuck as I let myself be, but I feel it would be stupid to take off and be superpoor somewhere, as I would have no income if I left right now.

But I'll be gone in August (perhaps a little longer), traveling in the US and perhaps Canada and Mexico while I'm in the neighbourhood, so to say. I need to escape this hellhole, or I'll go insane pretty soon. I'll start and finish in Chicago and whatever happens in between will be great. Whatever it is that happens. Just me and the camera. Just me and my life. New people, new places, new food and new none-routines. That's what I need. A little thing without routine and with absolutly no schedual except to catch the flight home X amount of weeks later...

Or not exactly hellhole... but I'm bored and I'm starting to feel a bit stuck. Like I've gotten a routine in life's everyday-tour that I don't like. I want more, I want better and I want fun.

I'm turning 28 this month and I feel like birthdays mean nothing anymore - so I decided to have a birthday party for the first time in years. Not that I have organized my place yet, but that's another 'eh, who cares?'. I'll serve alcohol and snacks, I doubt people will thinking about the lack of... plants? paintings? rugs? I don't know, but I doubt people would care. It's a party and it'll be superfun!!

The good, the better and the suspension...

Life goes on, a new year and new possibilities.
I am deep in books not yet written, full of ideas and have energy like never before (perhaps illness leaving the body) and I love it all.
Listening to Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark, didn't know I liked Bruce, but apperantly I do.

December was a fun month, the best month in a very long time (beats most of them, to be honest).

To wrap up 2009 once and for all, and I could go on forever, I must say it was the year when I put more value to my life and saw the many possibilities that lay right in front of me. I'm single, strong and inspired. Just the way I like it.

The near future holds plenty of adventure, hard work and fun work. Playtime is put aside as life is taking new turns, long hours working is combined with... long hours working ;)

And to comment on the photos of the suspension (you noticed the hooks, right?), it's the closest thing to spirituality I have ever come. It's so different and not at all like I thought... The pain of putting in hooks to your back is... nothing, really, to mention. Doesn't hurt. At least not in the upper back. The suspension itself is more mental than physical, as all the barriers I crossed were in my mind rather than in the body.
And to overcome mental barriers doesn't hurt!
But I wasn't prepared for the brutal massage Chai & Fredrik took the kind liberty to give me... That is PAIN, I tell you. You get air in under the skin as you hang (natural, as the hooks release the top layers of skin from the tissue below, making space for air to enter the body). This air needs to be taken out, a procedure the guys so nastily call a massage, allthough it's nothing like I've ever pictured having a massage by two men ;)
They press skin towards the holes from the hooks (by then taken out) and this is painfull and the air is... air. A bit tricky to get out.
So imagine two strong men trying to force air out from under your skin, with fresh hookmarks as the exit they're aming for.

But that doesn't stop me from planning my second suspension in a few months. The waiting is the hardest part, as someone once sang.